‘Whatthing at Tattersall’s?’ he demanded. ‘I haven’t yet been floored by the hammer, if that’s what you mean!’
‘No, no! At least, I don’t know what it signifies, but it wasn’tthat!Conway spoke of it once – oh,Black Monday!’
‘Settling-day! No, I won’t tell her that. I am always more or less in Dun territory, but this visit of mine isn’t an attempt to shoot the crow! I am escaping from my aunts.’
‘Why, what are they doing to you? Are you roasting me?’
‘Not at all. They are bent on re-establishing me. There are three of ’em, and they are all antidotes. Two are unmarried, and live together – one’s fubsy-faced, and t’other’s a squeeze-crab;and the eldest is a widow, and the most intimidating female you ever beheld. She lives in a mausoleum in Grosvenor Square, rarely stirs out of it, but holds receptions, very like the Queen’s Drawing-Rooms. She’s clutchfisted, dressed like a quiz, has neither wit nor amiability, and yet by means unknown to me – unless it be by force of character, and I’ll allow she has that! – has persuaded thetonthat she is a second Lady Cork, to whosesalonsit is an honour to be invited.’
‘She sounds very disagreeable!’
‘Sheisvery disagreeable. A veritable dragon!’
‘But why does she wish to re-establish you?’
‘Oh, for two reasons! The first is that however black my sins may be I’m the head of the family, a circumstance by which she sets great store; and the second is that having issued a royal command to my cousin Alfred, who is also my heir, to present himself in Grosvenor Square for inspection, she made the shocking discovery that he was a member of the dandy-set – indeed, the pinkest of Pinks, a swell of the first stare! Not having the least guess that the old lady holds every Bond Street beau in the utmost abhorrence, the silly pigeon rigged himself out as fine as fivepence, and trotted round to Grosvenor Square looking precise to a pin: Inexpressibles of the most delicate shade of primrose, coat by Stultz, Hessians by Hoby, hat – theBang-up– by Baxter, neckcloth – the Oriental, which is remarkable for its height – by himself. Add to all this a Barcelona handkerchief, a buttonhole as large as a cabbage, a strong aroma of Circassian hair-oil, the deportment of a dancing-master, and a lisp it took him years to bring to perfection, and you will perceive that Alfred is not just in the ordinary style!’
‘I wish I might see him!’ she said, laughing. ‘Didyou, or is this make-believe?’
‘Certainly not! I didn’t see him, but what he didn’t describe to me my aunt did. Poor fellow! he was only bent on doingthe pretty, but all his hopes were cut up! The breach was to have been healed – oh, I didn’t mention, did I, that my aunts had quarrelled with his mother? I believe she offended them on the occasion of my uncle’s obsequies, but as I was not present I don’t know what crime she committed, though I wouldn’t bet against the chance that she didn’t render proper respect to their consequence. In any event, Alfred obeyed my Aunt Augusta’s summons, confident that the exercise of a little address – coupled, of course, with his exquisite appearance – would decide not only her, but my Aunts Jane and Eliza as well, to make him their heir – which is a matter of very much more interest to him than his beingmyheir,pour cause! But alas! faced with the choice between a fop and a rip they preferred the rip – or they would, if I’d be conformable!’
‘Behave with propriety?’
‘Worse! Marry a butter-toothed female with a pug-nose and a deplorable figure!’
She laughed. ‘Well, I daresay they wish you to be married, because that would be the most respectable thing youcoulddo, and also, of course, on account of children, so that your cousin would be quite cut out – but I see no reason why she should be pug-nosed, or butter-toothed!’
‘Nor I, but she’s both, I promise you. What’s more, she’s been an ape-leader for ten years at least. Do you wonder that I fled?’
‘No, but Idowonder that your aunts should have been so gooseish as to have proposed such a match to you! They must be quite addle-brained to suppose that you would look twice at any but the most ravishing females, for you have been used only to be in love with beauties for years and years! It is most unreasonable to expect people to change their habits in the twinkling of an eye.’
‘Very true!’ he agreed, admirably preserving his countenance. ‘And Miss Amelia Ubley’s eye has as much twinkle as may be seen in the eye of a fish.’
‘Then onnoaccount must you offer for her!’ she said earnestly. ‘I am excessively sorry for her, poor thing, but she would be far happier as an old maid than as your wife! I shouldn’t wonder at it if you made off with someone else before the bride-visits had all been paid, and only think how mortifying for her! How came your aunts to hit upon such an unsuitable female for you? They must have a great deal more hair than wit!’
His lips twitched, but he replied gravely: ‘I fancy they consider me to be past the age of romantic indiscretions. My Aunt Eliza, at all events, tells me that it is now time Isettled-down. She drew for me a very moving picture of the advantages of becoming regularly established.’
‘I can see she did. It moved you all the way to Yorkshire! Pray, what are Miss Ubley’s virtues?’
‘Well – virtue!’
‘That won’t do in the least. Not if you mean that she’s straight-laced, and she sounds to me as if she would be.’
‘That’s what she both sounded and looked like to me. However, my aunts informed me that besides being of the first respectability she has superior sense, propriety of taste, and can be trusted to behave always just as she ought. Her fortune is as good as I have any right to expect; and I must remember that if she were not above thirty years of age, and an antidote, neither she nor her parents would entertain my proposal for a minute.’
‘What moonshine!’ exclaimed Venetia indignantly.
There was a good deal of the sneer in the half-smile he threw her. ‘No, that was true enough. I imagine I must rank high on the list of ineligible bachelors – which has this advantage: that there is no need for me to take care lest I fall a prey to a matchmaking mama. It is she who warns her daughter that if she should chance to find herself in company with me she must keep a proper distance.’
‘Then you do go to parties?’ she asked. ‘I am very ignorant about society, and what you call theton, and when you said you were a social outcast I thought perhaps it meant you didn’t go into polite circles at all.’
‘Oh, it isn’t as bad as that!’ he assured her. ‘I’m certainly not invited to run tame in houses where the daughters are of marriageable age, and I can think of nothing more unlikely than of being permitted to cross the sacred threshold of Almack’s – unless, of course, I reformed my way of life, married Miss Ubley, and was sponsored by my Aunt Augusta into the holy of holies – but only the very highest sticklers go to the length of cutting my acquaintance! If anything were wanted to make me flee from Miss Ubley’s vicinity it would be the dread of being dragged into precisely those circles from which I am most happy to be excluded!’
‘I must say, from all Lady Denny has told me I should suppose the Assemblies at Almack’s to be amazingly dull,’ she observed. ‘When I was a girl it used to be the top of my ambition to attend them, but I think now that I should find them insipid.’
But this he would not allow. He scolded her for speaking of her girlhood as a thing of the past, and said: ‘When your brother comes home you’ll go on a visit to that aunt of yours, and you will enjoy yourself very much. You will be gay to dissipation, my dear delight, going to all the fashionable squeezes, breaking a great many hearts, and finding every day too short for all the pleasuring you wish to cram into it.’
‘Oh, when that day dawns I shall very likely be in my dotage!’ she retorted.
