I stop because I'm crying now—actually crying, something I haven't done since I was a child.
"I need you," I whisper. "I need you so much it's destroying me. And I know that's not fair. I know I'm the one who sent you away. I know I'm supposed to be strong enough to handle this alone. But I'm not. I'm not strong enough. Without you, I'm just—I'm just empty."
The silence on the other end of the line stretches so long I think she's hung up. Then I hear a soft sob, and realize she's crying too.
"I need you too," she whispers. "I'm safe here. I'm protected. But I feel like I'm disappearing. Like I'm losing myself just as much as you are. And I'm so scared, Romeo. I'm scared of what you're becoming. I'm scared of what I'm becoming. I'm scared that we're both turning into people we don't recognize."
"Then tell me how to do this." I'm begging now, and I don't care. "Tell me how to handle this without becoming a monster. Tell me how to protect you without losing myself. Because Idon't know. I don't know how to be both the man who can keep you safe and the man you fell in love with."
"I don't know either," she whispers. "But Romeo—I need you to try. I need you to remember who you are. Not who your father made you. Not the weapon or the killer or the cold, empty thing you're describing. I need you to remember the man who took an archaeology class so he could fall in love with me. The man who brought me soup when I was sick. The man who promised he’d try to be better. Because that's the man I love. I love you, Romeo. Even though sometimes it feels like it’s killing me, I love you. Not the violence, but the man underneath all of that. The man who's capable of being gentle. The man who's trying so hard to be better than what he was raised to be."
“I love you too,” I whisper, holding the phone close to my face, as if I could hold her right now in the same way. "I love you so much it terrifies me. I love you so much, I don't know how to function without you. I love you so much I'm willing to become a monster if that's what it takes to keep you safe."
“I don’t want that,” she says softly. “I want you, Romeo. I want the boy I fell in love with, not whatever man your father wants you to be. Promise me you won't lose yourself completely before I get back. Promise me that when I come back, you'll still be who I fell in love with."
“I’ll do my best,” I say quietly. It’s the best I can give her, right now.
“Okay,” she whispers. “I love you.”
"I love you too."
She hangs up, and I'm alone again in my apartment surrounded by evidence of everything I've been doing.
If I’m not careful, I’m going to destroy myself, and everything I want, along with the people trying to take it from me.
I can’t let that happen. Whatever part of me she woke up, it has to still be there when this is done.
Or else none of this matters.
27
SAVANNAH
The safe house is beautiful, with exposed beams and floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking acres of forest, a stone fireplace, and furniture that looks expensive and uncomfortable. There's a chef's kitchen, where surprisingly, Marco makes most of our meals, and luxury everywhere I look.
It makes me feel like I'm losing my mind.
Part of me misses Romeo so much that I feel like I can’t breathe, and part of me is so angry with him for sending me away that I can’t see straight. I feel like I’m being managed, tucked away for my own safety. Giulia is the only real humanity I have to hold onto here—the guards treat me like a package that needs to be kept safe until delivery.
Which, I suppose, is exactly what I am.
Romeo’s call helps, for about a day. And then the anger creeps back in. He’s doing things, making moves against Thad and my father, taking all the evidence I helped compile and using it to bring them down… if he doesn’t lose his patience and just kill Thad outright. I’m terrified of what Romeo will have to do in order to keep me safe, in order to have what he wants and what I’ve admitted now that I want too—and it’s easier to beangry than to be afraid. Especially when I’m so fucking tired of being afraid.
I feel like so much of my good Southern girl polish has been worn off from this. I cursed yesterday. I was so frustrated. I do it in my head a lot more, now. I’m not as horrified as I should be by what is happening around me, and I’m also thoroughly horrified by it. But if I was as upset as I should be, I’d go home. I wouldn’t be a part of this.
Except that would mean marrying Thad.
I’m caught between a monster that might kill me and a monster that loves me, and I know which one I want to choose. I can’t help but wonder what it makes me that I want to choose one of them at all.
Giulia finds me in the library that afternoon, as I drift through the shelves looking at the insane collection of books. There are leather-bound first editions and copies of books so old that they should be in a much more carefully controlled library, but the fact that I get to touch them makes it hard to be upset about that.
She brings me tea, looking more than a little worried as she sets it down. “Has Romeo called?”
I shake my head, then think better of lying. “Yes, but I haven’t been answering.”
“He’s worried about you. He needs you.” Giulia lets out a slow breath. "He calls me every few hours asking if you're okay, if you're eating, if you're?—"
"If I'm behaving?" The bitterness in my voice surprises even me. "If I'm being a good girl and staying where he put me?"
