Robert clenches his jaw. I watch the muscle flex, and my stomach drops.
“It wasn’t Tony. It wasn’t the sex.” I’m shaking so hard my hands won’t stay still in my lap. “I came harder than I ever have in my life that night, and I hated myself while it was still happening. It didn’t make me stop wanting it.”
I make myself say the rest.
“I didn’t just lie to you. I got off on lying to you.”
I wait for him to say something. The quiet stretches until I want to crawl out of my own skin.
Then Robert clears his throat.
“I need to tell you something, too.” He’s staring at his hands in his lap. “When you come home and tell me what happened. What they did to you. What you felt.” He swallows. “That’s the most aroused I’ve ever been. More than anything we’ve done together in fifteen years.”
Holy shit. On some level, I always knew. But hearing him say it out loud is different.
“And I’m scared of what it means that I need that.” He’s still not looking at me. “That without it, we go back to what we were.”
He finally looks up.
“When you lie to me, I can’t tell what’s real anymore. And I need this to be real. Even the parts that scare me.”
Even the parts that scare me. He said those words to me on the living room floor after I told him about Tony and Adrian. His mouth against my hair, his heart hammering.
I don’t know if he still means it. But he said it.
“I’m sorry.” It comes out cracked. “Robert, I’m so sorry. For all of it.”
He doesn’t say anything. My gut tightens because this is where he tells me he wants a divorce and fifteen years of marriage gets boxed up and I spend the rest of my life in a condo somewhere telling people my ex-husband is a wonderful man and I ruined him.
“I have a condition,” he says.
A condition. Not a goodbye. I grab onto that word like a rope.
“You don’t do this without me again. Ever.” He’s looking at me and his eyes are unwavering. “No more going to the casino alone. If this happens, I’m in the room.”
“You’re not—” My voice breaks. “You don’t want—”
“A divorce?” He almost laughs. It’s the saddest sound I’ve ever heard. “Shannon, I just told you that listening to you describe fucking other men is the most turned on I’ve ever been in my life. I don’t want a divorce. I want to be there. And I need to know you’ll never cut me out or lie again.”
I break open.
“Okay,” I say.
And then I’m crying. My face crumples, and I’m making sounds that aren’t words.
Robert takes my hand. He doesn’t say anything. He just holds on and lets me be a mess. When I’m done, his hand is still there.
“We’re going to figure this out,” he says quietly.
I look down at our hands. My ring pressing into his fingers. My nose is running and my mascara is probably halfway to my chin after five minutes of ugly-crying, and I’m closer to this man right now than I was on our wedding night.
I spent weeks destroying this man’s trust and he’s still holding my hand.
Chapter 6
Robert’s hand is on the small of my back in the produce section at Kroger, and my eyes sting.
It’s been four days since the couch. Four days of both of us being way too careful. Talking about groceries and the weather like I didn’t just almost blow up our entire marriage. He moved back into the bedroom two nights ago. I counted that as a win.
