“I do. I feel a lot when I’m with you. You make me smile, you touch me in a different way, you listen, and you make me happy. Xavier, I can promise you I haven’t felt this way in years. Now I’m starting to feel again, and I don’t want to let it go. You’re here in my space. Nobody has been here but you.”
I meant what I said. I did like Xavier, and for the first time, I wanted to see what it felt like to be in a relationship. I moved closer to him again, but this time, he didn’t move.
“Xavier, I have not slept with Percy since the beginning of the semester; that is the truth.”
His eyes lowered on me. “What about that other nigga?”
Fuck!I didn’t want to answer that question because I didn’t wantto lie, but this was me taking a chance and opening up. I opened my mouth and then closed it. Sighing loudly, I let it out.
“Yes, I did. The same night I saw you and Apple.”
I could see his face growing angry. He pulled his phone from his pocket and called someone.
“Come get me. I sent you the location.”
He backed up until he walked out the door. “Don’t follow me, dawg,” he said as he limped to the curb.
I wasn’t going to chase behind him. If he wanted to walk away from me, so be it. I tried, but I still failed. I closed the door behind him as tears began to well in my eyes. I made my way to the bathroom. It was me vs. me in the mirror. The girl I was and the one I wanted to be.
As bad as I tried not to, I opened the door and pulled out my razor because at least with this, the pain would be different. I pulled off my leggings and glanced at my thighs. For every cut, there was a heartbreak. Years of slicing into my flesh had mutilated my upper thighs. It was so bad that I had to reopen wounds, not only into my flesh, but also those healed scars I had closed mentally. I placed the razor on one of the already-healed scars. My hand shook as the tip of the razor sank into my skin, popping the scar open, letting a little blood ooze.
“Fuuck!” A whine left my lips. My body leaned against the wall as I rested my head on it. I took in a deep breath, and then I began to slice across. “Ssss!” I hissed.
As I was going into the next seconds of a euphoric feeling, my bathroom door swung open!
“Phoebe! I knew it!” Xavier shouted. “Shit, come on, man. You ain’t got to do this,” he said as he took the razor out of my hand, tossing it on the counter.
My head slowly turned to him as a tear slid down my face. “I’m so fucked up,” I cried.
Even with a hurt ankle, he picked me up and carried me out of the bathroom. When we got back into the living room, he placed me on the couch. His eyes looked frantic, and his breathing was heavy.
“What can I do to make sure this doesn’t happen again? A nigga can’t walk around knowing you’re doing this to yourself. This shit is a sickness just like what my brother was going through, and I can’t. I just fucking can’t.”
His brother?I was curious because my brother had a sickness as well.I knew we were the same,I thought.
Before he could say another word, someone came through the front door. My head turned to see his brother. “Y-y-y-you gu-g-good?”
I looked at Xavier, and he looked at me, then at his brother. “Yeah, Jalen. I’m good. I’m going to stay with her. Sorry, my nigga.”
Jalen looked at me strangely, then eased out of the door before closing it. The last thing I wanted was his brother thinking I was forcing Xavier to stay. The reality was, whether he was here or not, this was going to happen regardless. If Xavier and I were going to make it, he needed to know everything, and tonight was only scratching the surface of how fucked up things were for me.
PERCY
Since walking away from the line, a nigga was stuck. I hadn’t been to class or training with the football team. During the day, I would take Tink to the park, or we would chill somewhere outside the area. At night, we cuddled in the car and slept. I debated whether to return to Cedar Oaks but didn’t want to miss school, so I stayed, hoping for a miracle. Royce had reached out to me, but I was so embarrassed that I couldn’t even show my face, let alone talk to her. I wasn’t embarrassed about my daughter but about the current state of my life. I couldn’t believe I came this far and couldn’t hold it together.
The check-in with my Nan started to become too much because, although she was back at home, she now had a caregiver. There was no way I could put Breann back on her.
The fucked-up part of it all was that my own friend, who knew what I had going on, didn’t even reach out to me to make sure a nigga was cool.
While Breann slept, I finally decided to call Royce. The phone didn’t ring before she picked up.
“I’ve been calling you. Is everything okay?” she asked.
I settled in my seat while trying to find a way to tell herI was going to have to move back to Cedar Oaks. Royce and I hadn’t been on any dates, but the little time we did share was cool. She was someone I would have definitely liked to get to know.
I ran my hand over my face while releasing a breath of frustration. “I’m a’ight. Things have been tough. I haven’t been to my classes, I am no longer pledging, and now...” I paused. “Now I got to move back to Cedar Oaks. A nigga has no other option.”
The phone fell silent. “Have you talked to the counselor or anything to see what options they have? You're on a scholarship, Percy. You can’t just give up.”
