She glanced down at my daughter. “You have a baby?” she mumbled, confused.
Xavier came back toward us. “Let me get my shit, and we can bounce. Don’t worry about him. He’s cool, I guess,” Xavier rambled.
She put on a fake smile and turned to him, but it was too late; he caught it, and I knew it.
Looking at her, he nodded toward me. “What? You know this nigga?” he asked her.
She looked at me, then he looked at me. He dropped his head. “You do know him. You were fucking on this nigga, Phoebe?”
She tried grabbing his hand. “Xavier, please don’t do this.”
“Xavier, nothing. I told you to be honest with me.” He pointed at me. “How long, nigga?”
Phoebe looked at me, her eyes begging me not to say anything, but he snapped his fingers. “Me, Phoebe. Look at me. How long?”
I could tell she liked him, but she had done me so dirty, I didn’t care. “Since her freshman year,” I blurted out.
Xavier laughed loudly. “Oh, so you were on some love type shit. Then, you had another nigga in the club. Who else?”
“I-I chose you, though,” she tried whispering.
“Did you? Or did I choose you? Because last I checked, I asked you out and approached you. It’s cool, though, because at least I know, and now I can move accordingly,” he said as he limped out of the room, leaving her and me alone.
PRESS PLAY
She couldn’t even look at me. Phoebe didn’t care about anybody but herself. She had all these niggas on leashes; the only one who wasn’t hooked was that nigga, Xavier.
“Ayo, you hoeing on campus? It’s like you’re fucking anything walking. Phoebe, when you and I had what we had, shit was cool because I thought it was ‘us’. Then I saw you in the club with that nigga, and I knew right then you were on some bullshit. ‘You know the rules,’ but what are the rules? Don’t play telephone so your pussy can get wet. You played me, and I liked you. Now you like that nigga, and he’s about to play you.”
Her face softened. “Why do you care? You wanted me to be with you so I could play step momma to your daughter? Is that what you thought? You need to worry less about me and more about her.”
I thought she would tell me how she felt about us, but instead, she left. I wasn’t even worth an explanation, and that fucked me up. If I never knew before, I knew now that this on-campus shit was nothing but a soap opera for the world to see. It wasn’t just Black men being the bad guys anymore, but Black women as well. We were at a school with a mission statement about Black excellence, yet none of us exhibited it. With everything going on, how could I be excellent?
I took another glance at my daughter and shook my head.“Shit!”
Now it was time to call my big brothers and let them know I was dropping from the line. There was no need to continue because with Breann, it wasn’t possible.
DIO
PRESS PLAY
I sat by the lake, trying my best to get my shit in order. I’d gone from crying to being angry to crying again. Sleep hadn’t found me, and I wasn’t chasing his ass either. My argument with Samara stirred something in me I’d never felt before. Murder was on my mind, and nobody could change it. I put my phone on Silent so no one would reach out to me. I wanted to be alone because at least then, I didn’t have to be blamed for being a menace. I didn’t have to be the kid from the wrong side of the tracks, nor did I have to be pointed out as the bad boyfriend.
Now everything started to make sense about why Thick Neck treated me the way he did. Not only did the nigga want Mars, but he wanted me to fold, to break like fragile glass and never be put back together. He wanted to come in like a knight in dusty-ass armor to save the day.
“Fuck nigga!” I shouted.
Then Mars. Mars, my fucking star, the girl who made my heart beat as calm as this lake I was sitting in front of. I couldn’t understand how she thought I was treating her like I was some dog ownerall while I thought I was being her hero. Her perception of what we were was all fucked up, and I began to question whether she really loved me as she said.
“Fuck!”
Every single regret hit me at once. The regret of joining the fraternity. The regret of not doing the OLS. The regret of opening my heart so wide to her that I wasn’t willing to accept anyone else.
I looked out over the open lake, speaking to it. Damn, at least I knew it was listening. As my voice drifted across the peaceful water, small waves began to form. Nature was listening and understood. I understood why Chev loved his plants so much.
“Mars, a nigga is sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t open, sorry I was trying to be a better man, one I thought could handle shit like this. Sorry being protective turned into possession. I’m—”
“Dionysus!” Zeus’ voice made me stand up.
