He sat straight up. “No, you relax. Nigga, your thigh is all cut up and shit. Why? You into some freaky shit, or you’re like one of those—what you call it?”
“Cutter,” I mumbled.
He nodded. “Yeah, that.”
I stood there with no words at first, then forced myself to say it. “I’m a cutter, okay?!” I snapped. “I cut myself when I can’t deal with reality!” I shouted.
“First off, little Einstein, stop yelling. Second, what’s going on in your world that’s so fucked up that you're destroying your own flesh?”
I blew out a sharp breath. “I-I—”
It was hard to explain, but thinking about when I first did it came to mind.
The weight of Kyle’s death sat on me even after. The guilt haunted me, which now gnawed at me. Until one day, I needed a replacement forthe hurt, for the anxiety, and for the pain. It didn’t matter the amount of weed I smoked, the few shots of liquor I had, or my time with Monk; that pain was still there. I wanted out, I wanted a way to change what I felt.
I found myself lying in the tub, holding a small blade to my wrist. I knew that my parents lost one child and couldn’t lose another. Me self exiting couldn’t be it. So, instead of slicing my wrist, I took it to my thigh. The pain was intense. It was dark, but euphoric. In that moment, I forgot about everything.
Xavier sighed loudly, forcing my attention back on him. He ran his hand through his hair. “I don’t want to do this if you're going to be hiding shit. We sat up and talked all night. If you don’t feel like you can open up to me, what are we doing? Are we just fucking, because if so, say that, and I will move accordingly.”
Why was he being so fucking heartless? This was why I never shared what I was going through with people. The only one who knew what I was going through was Syior, and that was by default because he was there the night it all started.
“I’m not ready to share yet. I enjoy what you and I have, but if you cannot be patient, then do what you have to do.”
Xavier stood from the bed, causing me to look up at him. “I never said I couldn’t be patient. What I said was be vocal because I’m not a nigga to play the guessing game. So, let’s change the conversation. Can I take you on a date? I know I got a boot on and all, but I can still dip you off to a restaurant or some shit.”
I smiled. “Yes, you can.”
“Cool. We’re all going to support my brother’s girl tonight at the pageant, so tomorrow?”
“That’s cool.”
He leaned down and kissed me. I was taken by surprise because this was the first time I had let a guy kiss me. Even Syior had never put his mouth on me, no matter how often I tried. This was the firsttime I had ever been kissed. I always daydreamed about what it would be like, and now that I was here, I wanted to stay.
Xavier pulled away. “You never been kissed before?”
My lips tightened. “Why do you say that?” I muttered.
“I can tell, unless I’m tripping.”
“No, I’ve never kissed a guy before,” I mumbled.
A smile eased on his face. “Don’t worry, little Einstein. I’ve got you. Relax your lips and follow my lead.”
Xavier gently gripped the back of my head and slowly pecked at my lips. He sucked on them so good, my eyes slowly closed. The moment I fully accepted his lip offering, my stomach fluttered. His tongue entered my mouth and slowly rolled around my tongue. I started doing what he was doing, and with every second we stood there, mouth to mouth, I fell deeper, melting in his hands like fucking putty. Right then, I knew Xavier was mine.
He picked me up, turning me to the bed and lying me on my back.
“I don’t understand anything about cutting, but I hope at some point you do decide to share with me,” he started as his hands caressed the area of my scars. “Whatever it is that’s hurting to this point isn’t healthy. Let me turn that hurt into peace,” he finished as he leaned forward and kissed my scars.
My eyes closed as I embraced his sentiment. My emotions were at an all-time high. While he was being gentle to my needs, I was trying to decide how to tell him I was the reason my brother was dead. Sharing my trauma sounded easy, but when I started getting to the dark parts, I was afraid it would become too much for others to bear. The last thing I wanted was for Xavier to bear the weight of my emotions on his shoulders. I was fucked up inside, and I didn’t need pity. I needed self-healing and love.
PERCY
The sounds of Breann’s whining woke me up. After seeing my Nan and being told they were going to keep her for another week, I was hurt. I could have easily taken the time away from school and stayed here, but I had Royce with me and needed to get her back. Now, here I was, at her grandmother’s house with my daughter because I couldn’t take her to the dorms. I had been trying to call her momma all night, and the bitch was ignoring my phone calls but posting on the Orange app every hour. Royce slept on the smaller couch because she didn’t want to leave me in here alone.
I tried keeping Breann quiet as I bounced her up and down. “That baby is hungry. Let me fix her something to eat,” Royce’s grandmother said, coming from the back.
Royce hopped off the couch. “I got it!” she shouted.
