She heckled loudly. Then she did something I wasn’t expecting. She slowly removed the drape from her head, allowing me to see the woman I used to know. The reddish color of my hair. The light freckles on her face and neck revealed the same condition we shared: vitiligo.
“You listen to me, Samara Simmino. I birthed you. In labor for fourteen hours, ten minutes, and if I had to count the seconds, six. Have I been the best mother? No. But you will not disrespect me. You think those people and that boy loves you? That boy loves your flesh. He will treat you as you let him. He will sneak aroundlike a thief in the night. He will cheat as his appetite for something else will emerge. He will show you that you cannot trust him or his people. I am your solace. I am the one who has come to you when you called. When it all surfaces to the top, it will be me whom you call.”
Now I knew she was delusional. “Now, I will allow you to finish out the semester because it’s only right, but after that, you are coming with me. Only I can protect you.”
“I’m not going any-fucking-where, and you can’t make me.”
A smirk eased on her face. It was as if she were the Devil. “Samara, my child,” she said as she eased her garment back over her head. “The Mighty One is waiting, and so am I. The Calloways can’t save you from yourself. So, who will you choose, them or me? You pick,” she finished and walked out of my house.
What did that mean?I slammed the door behind her.Then what she said about Dio popped into my head. From the short calls to the sneaking and hiding.Had she seen him with someone else?I didn’t know what to think, and it started to make me feel insane.
PHOEBE
PRESS PLAY
Since starting school, I hadn’t seen Syior. I knew he and I had a routine, but I had now been fucking with my new number three, Xavier. I kind of liked where we were. When I was with him, I didn’t have any reminders of Kyle. When I was with Syior, the memoriesflooded me like a cesspool. However, I did feel somewhat bad about cutting him off.
If I had to choose, it would have been between Syior and Xavier. They both offered me something other than sex that I enjoyed. The more Xavier and I got to know each other, the more I pulled away from Syior. I realized I was entangled in something difficult to escape. My emotions surged, leaving me confused and disoriented. The more I felt backed against a wall, the more my wounds deepened. That was the thing about being a cutter: we found more reasons to treat our skin as a filler for pain. It had gone from nightmares of the night Kyle died as my excuse to the idea of me killing him to the pressure my parents applied and now to me dealing with men who only wanted the one thing I afforded them in my rules.
Sex had become my second coping mechanism, but when that didn’t fill the void, it was back to the razor. I was hopeless and pathetic. Now here I was, sitting between men who either wanted more from me or truly wanted nothing at all, while I couldn’t find the words to say I wanted someone to love me. Then there was Percy, who wanted me, but I couldn’t see past what we already had. Tonight, I was cutting everyone off. It only seemed right. It didn’t matter who I liked, since it’s clear I was the one with the problem. So, I I figured, why not start with number three, Xavier? I told him to meet me by the statue on campus.
I had just pulled up to the school when I got a text from Percy that he needed to see me. I checked the time and had a few minutes to spare, so I was hurrying to the Mercier building when Samara stopped me. “Phoebe!” she called out.
“Hey,” I replied.
“I wanted to know if you wanted to hang with the girls and me again.” She laughed.
They were cool and all, but right now I didn’t want to hang with anyone. I just wanted to be alone, but I was determined to do this. “I-I...” I paused as I saw the anxiousness in her eyes. “Shit, sure. Take my number, text me the details, and I will show up. I’m not trying to search for y’all in the parking lot like the game,” I said, giving her a dry laugh.
She pulled her phone out and tapped it against mine. “You haven’t seen Dio, have you?”
My face frowned. “No. I have class with him on Mondays and Wednesdays.”
She nodded. “Okay. Well, see you soon,” she said as she sadly walked off.
Seeing how she was over Dio reminded me why I avoided having a boyfriend. The chase, the sadness, and the worry that they might be cheating. Giving your heart to someone who couldn’t love you the way you needed. The fear of not being accepted for who I was underneath it all. Syior, I could never bring home to my parents. Xavier, I could, but even then, he wouldn’t be good enough. So, instead of setting myself up for failure, I became the girl who failed.
I stuffed my phone in my pocket as I went to meet up with Percy, then make my way to Xavier.
APPLE
“Okay, ladies! We have a few weeks before the Queen of the Chi Pageant. I want to make use of my time here, as my services have been paid for by the dean. Let’s practice our entrance walk again,” Ms. Venmyer said to us.
My eyes fluttered slowly as the Xanax started to take over. Since I had taken the Adderall, I realized I couldn’t sleep. Now I was swapping the two back and forth and floating in and out.
Ms. Venmyer strutted down the walkway, giving us an example of what she was expecting to see. All the girls smiled like they were going to get up there and walk perfectly.
“Tuh,” I mumbled.
When Reagan’s eyes landed on me, it annoyed me. I wanted to rip her fucking face off. It bothered me that she waited until we got to our junior year to show her ass. I wondered if she had been this way all along and it was I who was blind to everything. The bitch was in my way, and I wanted her gone. I was already pissed I didn’t get the internship, and now I couldn’t have this. I stood there, slowly swaying, as each girl got up on stage and walked to try to mimic Ms. Venmyer’s walk. Alyse Maverick got up there, and the way she walkedwas almost fucking perfect. Some of the girls gawked as they watched her. Alyse Maverick, a fucking sophomore who was slowly making her way up to be known as “that girl.” When she finished, Regan got up on the stage with a smirk. She did a quick pose as she began to strut.
“Slower!” Ms. Venmyer called out.
She began to walk too slow. The bitch looked like a sloth. I let out a loud sigh as she finished what she thought was a strut of perfection. When she got off the stage, she came toward me. “What did you think? I know it’s crazy that both of us are in this pageant, but I thought it would be—”
I walked off, as it was now my turn to hit the stage. The moment I got up there, the lights that shone on me blinded me, making me feel dizzy.Not right now, please,I thought. I had something to prove. I needed to prove to these bitches who the baddest one was. I began to strut as if my life depended on it.Right foot, left foot, turn slightly, smile, wave, turn.I coached myself.
“Don’t break a leg!” I heard someone yell.
