“I’m serious,” I insist. “You’ve always had this freedom about you. Even when you shocked them with Mav and Knox. You owned it. I’ve always felt like if I step too far outside of expectations not mine it’ll be failure. Not just me failing but also embarrassing them.”
Ajaih’s expression softens, but not in pity. In understanding.
“I think you’d be surprised,” she says before continuing, “they accepted me, Maverick, and Knox with open arms. Sr. spends Sundays after church at my house for Man Cave Sundays like he didn’t preach fire and brimstone for twenty years.”
I huff a reluctant laugh.
“And second,” she continues, leaning forward, “what exactly is failing about healthy love.”
I hesitate.
“Because it’s not conventional?” she presses.
I don’t answer.
She tilts her head. “You love Zaria?”
“Yes.”
“You love Calil?”
“Yes.”
“They love you?”
“Yes.”
“And nobody is sneaking around. Nobody is being harmed. Nobody is lying.”
I stare at my hands.
Ajaih reaches over and nudges my knee. “You think Mama and Sr. want you miserable just so you can check a box.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“It is that simple,” she counters. “You are not responsible for maintaining an image they built in their own heads.”
Her words touch something tender.
“I just don’t want to feel like more of a burden,” I admit quietly.
Ajaih’s voice more gently. “Sis, failing would be choosing a life that suffocates you just to make somebody else comfortable.”
That lands.
Hard.
She stands and moves to sit beside me, pulling me into one of her infamous big sister hugs like she’s always done since the day we connected.
“Lean Bean,” I look up at the sound of my favorite nickname from Ajaih.
“I think that you put more pressure on yourself than Mama and Sr. ever have and every will. I believe that you want to be as perfect as possible because you feel your body has been your greatest flaw all your life because of sickle cell.”
I blinked back tears as she continued to expose my thought process.
“You survive a body that tries to betray you,” she murmurs into my hair. “You built a career. You love deeply. You fight for joy. That is not failure.”
Tears finally spill before I can stop them.
