The apology broke something in me. Fresh tears spilled down my cheeks. "I don't resent you. I love you. But I'm so tired, Kat. It’s never-ending."
"I know." She pulled me into a hug, and I let myself cry against her shoulder. "And for what it's worth, I don't think Mikhail is just solving a problem."
I pulled back. "How would you know?"
"Because I've seen the way he looks at you. The way he is with you." She brushed tears from my cheek. "Mikhail is one of the most difficult men I know. He's brutal, cold, and ruthless. But with you? He's soft and careful. He watches you like you're the most precious thing in the world."
"That doesn't mean anything." I muttered, unsure of where she was going with this. Actually, that’s a lie. I knew exactly what her point to all this was.
"It means everything. You don't know him like I do. You don't know what it means for him to be vulnerable with someone." Katrina's expression was earnest. "I'm not saying this situation isn't shitty. It is. You shouldn't have to marry someone to stay safe. But his feelings for you aren’t fake, Shanice. I know they're very real. And I think this is killing him as much as it's hurting you."
I wanted to believe her, but how could I know for sure? How could I trust my own feelings when everything was so tangled up in survival and obligation?
"I don't know what to believe anymore," I said quietly. "I don't know what's real anymore. It all seems too convenient.”
"Then take some time. Figure it out." Katrina squeezed my hand. "But don't write him off completely yet."
I stood, exhausted down to my bones. "I need to be alone. I need time and space to think."
"Okay." Katrina stood too. "But Shanice? I really am sorry. For all of it. I’ll talk to Olek, too."
I nodded and headed upstairs to my room.
When I got there, I locked the door behind me and sank onto my bed. My phone notified me of a text from Mikhail.
Mikhail
I understand why you don’t want to marry me. That’s why I’m working on a different solution.
I stared at the message for a long time. Part of me wanted to text back to ask what he meant. But I couldn't. If he was asking me to marry him and it was truly about love, why wasn’t he fighting me on this? Why was the answer to the problem between us to come up with a different solution?
Do I want to marry him?
I needed time to process and figure out what I actually wanted versus what I was being forced into. I turned off my phone and buried my face in my pillow. Tonight, I just needed to feel everything I'd been holding back. So I let myself cry and grieve the normal life I'd never get to have. I mourned the relationship with Mikhail that might have been real if circumstances had been different. I even allowed myself to dream about the picture that he’d painted for me of what a future with him would look like.
Somewhere in the middle of it all, I fell asleep and I’d never felt so completely and utterly alone.
Mikhail
Ineeded to talk to Olek about logistics. How far away did I need to take her so that she wouldn’t be considered a problem? Were we talking across the country or across the world? I was halfway to his office when I heard Katrina's raised voice through the door.
"This is insane, Olek. Fucking ridiculous."
I stopped, hand on the doorknob. This was a bad time. I started to back away, but the floor creaked and then the door flew open. Katrina stood there, her eyes blazing.
"Mikhail. Good. Get in here. You need to hear this, too."
"I can come back when he’s not busy."
"No, stay." She grabbed my arm and pulled me inside, then rounded on her husband. "Tell him how stupid this entire thing is." She said to me.
I paused, not sure how smart she thought cornering Olek was.
Olek stood behind his desk, his jaw tight, his expression carefully controlled. "Katrina, this is between us."
"Don't 'Katrina' me." She was magnificent in her fury, all protective mama bear and righteous anger for her best friend. "Shanice would never say a thing. She's been through hell because of Marcus, and now you're treating her like she's some kind of threat? Like she'd betray us after everything?"
"It's not about what she would do," Olek said, his voice measured. "It's about what Dmitri thinks she might do. And what he'll do to eliminate that possibility."
