My heart pounds because speaking with her is something else I need to do. One for information I need and the other to apologize to her.
I push off the wall and walk over to them before I can talk myself out of it.
“Hey,” I say, lifting my hand, rubbing the back of my neck. “Can I talk to Ash for a minute?” Then I add. “By herself?”
Mack, Ryker, Colin and Kaleb look between each other, as if they’re having a silent conversation. They give each other a nod and turn their focus back to me.
Mack reaches over and gently takes Jacey from her arms. “C’mon, little man. Let’s go see your grandpas.” Then he heads across the room toward Earl and Sam.
“Yeah, sure. If she wants to,” Kaleb says, then looks at her for confirmation. She nods and they each give her a quick kiss before heading off in the same direction as Mack.
Ash waits for them to leave before raising her eyebrow at me. “What do you want to talk about, Hank?”
I gesture toward the small table tucked away in the corner. It keeps her within her men's eyesight, yet gives us a little privacy for our conversation. She nods and follows me over. We sit downacross from each other as I take a deep breath, dulling the noise around us until it’s just me and her.
Here goes nothing. Please let this go well.
“I want to apologize,” I tell her.
She tilts her head slightly, confused about what I'm saying. “For what?”
My fingers drum on the table for a second while I gather my thoughts. This is fucking harder than I thought it would be.
“Once… when I was talking to Ryker,” I say slowly, “I said something that might’ve sounded like I thought your relationship was wrong.”
Her expression doesn’t change, but she listens. That’s good. I mean she hasn’t jumped from her seat, wrapping her hands around my neck trying to strangle me. Nor has she called over the guys to kill me right in front of her. The worst would be if she told her father what I said. Earl would castrate my ass, and that’s just for starters.
“That’s not what I meant,” I continue quickly. Not wanting her to get the wrong idea. “I just meant… it’s not for me. At least it wasn’t somethin’ I ever pictured for myself. But I never meant it to sound like what you and your men have isn’t real.”
For a second she just watches me. Then she gives me a warm smile. I lean back in my chair with a sigh of relief.
“What we have isn’t for everyone,” she says simply. “And that’s okay.”
Relief washes through my chest.
“Thank you,” I say quietly. “You and the guys… you’re like family to me. I would never do anything intentionally to hurt you.” I clear my throat. “I wish I could have it. That it wouldn’t bother me seeing my woman with another man, regardless if we are all together or not.”
“I know,” she says. She reaches across the table and takes my hand in hers, squeezing it. “You’re forgiven for what you said.”
“There’s something else I want to ask you,” I say.
Her eyebrow lifts again, and I can only imagine what she must be thinking I’m going to ask.
“I was wonderin’ if I could get your therapist’s number. I know she helped you a lot after… everything that happened to you.” I swallow. Because admitting what I’m about to say is huge for me. “I need to work on myself.”
She shifts in her seat, not saying anything at first, her eyes soft but sharp like she’s processing everything I’m saying.
“You love her still, don’t you?” she asks gently.
God, do I love her. I never stopped. If only I had been enough for her. If only I could accept her with the three of us.
“Yeah.” My voice comes out rough. “I just need to figure out how to handle… cope with… her being with them too.” I run a hand over my head, feeling my newly growing hair beneath the tips of my fingers. “And I need to learn how to communicate what I’m feeling better. Because the way I handled it before…” I shake my head. “That can’t happen again.”
Her smile grows. “She loves you too.”
My head snaps up.
“And for what it’s worth,” she adds, reaching out and squeezing my hand again, “I’m rooting for you. For the four of you.”
