The final dagger in my heart. He’s really done. I pushed him too far with my insecurities.
I fall backward. My whole world tilts as the phone slips from my hand.
What the hell am I going to do?
My phone rings, coming to life in my hand causing me to startle. My heart starts to pound, optimistic that it’s Jefferson. Maybe he’s had a change of heart and doesn’t want to throw all we’ve been to each other to the side.
When I see the number on the screen my heart deflates. It’s my mother. As much as I want to send her to voicemail, if I don’t answer, I’ll never hear the end of it from her.
“Hello Mom,” I answer, struggling to cover the disappointment in my voice and the fact I don’t want to talk to her.
“Malcolm, how are you, son?” I’m her son, and she still speaks so formally.
“Good. Busy though. I’m trying to get some work done. So, I really can’t talk.” I lie, but she doesn’t know.
“Yes, yes. I’ll be quick. I need to speak to you about something important.”
Immediately my mind races. Is dad okay? Is she?
“Are you and Dad okay?”
“Of course. Are you still friends with Lionel and Mildred’s son, Harrison?”
Harrison? I haven’t seen him in over twenty years. What would be so important about him that I need to talk about?
“It’s just disgraceful.” Even over the phone I can see the look on her face. Nose scrunched, lips pursed, brows furrowed.
“Mom, I really am busy.” I remind her, seeing how this conversation is going nowhere.
“Harrison was seen in a romantic embrace with a man. Can you believe that? He’s one of those.”
“Those what?” I already have an idea what she’s going to say.
“A homosexual.” she whispers as if saying the word would summon them to her.
And there it is. The exact reason why it’s so hard to come out about my homosexuality. Jefferson has met my family, but he’s never been exposed to this side of them. They hide their bigotry well from the public.
“Did you hear me?”Her shrill voice rises.
“Yes mom. Harrison is gay.”
“Can you imagine the shame his parents are feeling? To raise a son for him to be that. To be with another man is disgusting. I’m just glad you’re not around him any longer. Imagine if you were, he’d try to corrupt you.”
I can’t help but shake my head. Her small mindedness kills me. No one can make someone gay. But she doesn’t see that.
“Mom, I really need to go.”
“Okay, fine. I just felt it was important for you to know. Are you still coming to dinner tomorrow?” I can already tell by the gruff tone in her voice, she’s mad about me rushing her. About not joining in with her about the travesty this is.
“Yes.” Then just before I hang up, knowing if I don’t she’ll go back to talking about Harrison. “I’ll be there. I got to go.”
I hang up not even waiting for her to say goodbye. I can’t stand to listen to any more of her venom, knowing it’s why I’m so hesitant about coming out. About being me. I just wish Jefferson could understand.
Jefferson
Three days. I thought he’d realize I truly meant what I said this time.
But he’s not sent one message.
