That’s just like Paige. Always making sure I’m okay. Even if it meant being in a loveless marriage.
“I love Neill. Plus, I need you there. You know she’s going to start in on me. Wanting to know why I haven’t started dating again. Why I let you get away in the first place.”
I can already feel the stabbing pain in my chest in anticipation. God, I need some Tums.
“Malcolm, why don’t you just sit your parents and the kids down and tell them the truth? Then Jefferson can be your datefor the event as he should be.” She pauses before exhaling deeply. “It’s time.”
I grip the steering wheel tighter, my knuckles turning white as I twist my hands, slowly pushing down on the brake as I come to a stop at the light.
“Malcolm.” she says softly when I don’t answer.
“He just broke up with me.” My voice is flat as I try to hold back from breaking down.
“Why?” Her high-pitched voice squeals through the line.
“Because he wanted me to come out. To move in with him and be an official couple.” I stop, biting my lip. “But I told him I couldn’t.”
“Oh, Malcolm. It’s time. Don’t let your fear or your parents’ stupid prejudice keep you from being happy.”
“The kids,” I tell her. Yes, I care about my parents, but what Henry and Alice will think is what scares me the most.
“The kids will love you no matter what. I can be with you if you want. By your side, supporting you. I want you to be happy, and I know that Jefferson does that.”
“I need to go,” I tell her, needing to get off the phone. Paige is relentless and I know she won’t stop until she has the meeting planned.
“Okay, but call me tomorrow. We’re not done talking.”
“I will.” I hit the end button. Both of us already know that I won’t be calling her. As far as I’m concerned, there will be no coming out. Not yet anyway. I need to think about the impact it will have not only on my life, but my family’s as well. Most importantly, my children.
It’s not like I haven’t tried to come out to them before. When I first knew I was attracted to men in high school, I went to my father.
“Dad, can I ask a question?” I’d been working up the nerve all day to talk to my father.
“It seems you already did.” He lets out a laugh as if his joke was hilarious. Not wanting to offend him, I force a chuckle. “Malcolm, go ahead I’m busy. I have to handle all these contracts before this dinner party your mother’s dragging me to.”
“Yeah..so…umm…,”
“For Christ’s sake spit it out.” he bellows.
“Sorry. I was wondering about dating.”
“Malcolm, you’re fourteen. Of course you’re noticing women. I don’t see what the question is. We allowed you to take the whole puberty presentation in your health class when you were in sixth grade.”
I should have known this wouldn’t be easy.
“Okay, my question is about men being attracted to men.”
He slams his hand down on his desk. The thudding sound of the impact causing me to jump. His brows draw together as he glares at me.
“There is no such thing as men being attracted to men. Those that claim to be are sexual deviants, and you’re to keep far away from them. They’ll try to draw you into their wickedness. Is this happening?” He leans in, waiting for me to answer.
I knew trying to talk to him about it wouldn’t go well, already knowing they’re bigotry about most things.
“Malcolm?” He clears his throat.
“No. Of course not; I know better. Just wanted to make sure since I overheard part of a conversation at school where someone was talking about it. Thank you.” I turn and rush out of the room, making a vow never to bring the subject up again.
Before I know it, I’m pulling into my parking spot. Alone and sad.
