God, I hate that this is where we are now.
Tense. Distant. Apart.
I bite my lip, fighting the overwhelming urge to get up, cross the room, and wrap my arms around him. To press my face against his back and breathe him in. To tell him I love him, that I never stopped, that I’d do anything to erase the pain he’s caused me, to forget what he told me, his harsh words, his actions and get back to where we were.
But I don’t move.
Instead, I sit there, gripping my sandwich like it’s the only thing keeping me from breaking apart, and watch him, waiting for something—anything—to fill the void between us.
I'm still staring when Blake turns around, coffee cup in hand, and locks eyes with me. I can see the desire in his, and I know he sees the same in mine. But I can't hold his gaze for long. My throat tightens, and I drop my eyes to the floor. I place my sandwich on the plate and then grip my plate just a little too hard.
"Here you go." Blake hands a cup to me, his voice softer than I've heard in a long time. He sets the second cup on the bench beside me, hesitating. "Is it okay if I sit here?"
I nod. "Yeah, that's fine." My voice comes out shaky.
He takes a second to retrieve his plate from the microwave and sits beside me. My heart pounds so hard I'm afraid he can hear it. We sit in silence, the tension between us thick enough to suffocate. He takes a bite of his sandwich, chewing slowly, his jaw clenching just slightly before he clears his throat.
"I really am sorry, Chase," he says, his voice full of regret. "I wish I could change what happened. I wish I could take away thehurt I caused you." He pauses, then his voice drops even lower, more vulnerable. "I miss you so much. I love you."
I don't answer right away. My fingers tighten around the cup in my hands. When I’m finally able to speak, my voice quivers. "I never stopped loving you." I exhale sharply, the admission stealing my breath, but my chest is still too tight, my ribs squeezing my heart like a cage. "But you hurt me, Blake. You cheated."
"I know," he says, and there's no defensiveness in his voice, only raw honesty. "And I'd die a million times if I could change that."
I swallow hard, my throat burning. "But you're not totally at fault here,” I admit. “While I didn’t have any part in how you handled it, I fucked up, too. I shouldn’t have asked you to hide our relationship. It wasn’t fair to you. I was just so scared of coming out to everyone here. Instead of worrying about what people would think, I should’ve been happy with what I had with you."
Blake watches me intently, taking in every word like he’s committing them to memory. I shake my head, my voice breaking. "I don’t condone what you did, and I don’t know if I can ever forgive you or put it out of my mind."
Blake nods, his fingers white-knuckling the edge of his plate. "I understand. I fucked up. I know it. But I’ll spend my life making it up to you if you’ll let me. I just want you, Chase. I want you as my boyfriend. As my best friend."
I inhale sharply, my chest aching. "I want the same." It’s the truth, even though it hurts. "It’s just hard. Because all I can think about is you cheating. When things got tough, you cheated."
Blake exhales, running a hand through his hair. "I know. I think about that, too. Every fucking day. You can’t hate me more than I do myself."
"So what do we do?" I ask, my voice barely above a whisper.
He looks at me then, eyes dark with determination. "We—ummm, I—tell the truth from here on out. I work to gain your trust again. We need to be honest with each other and listen. And we try to rebuild what we had. If you want to."
I sit for a second in silence, uncertainty warring with longing. I want him. God, I want him so much. But I’m terrified.
"And if I can’t?" I ask, my voice cracking slightly.
Blake’s expression doesn’t change, but there’s something in his eyes—pain, but also understanding. "Then I’ll respect your wishes."
I nod slowly, but my heart feels like it’s being torn in two. Because no matter how much I want to trust him again, I don’t know if I can ever forget. And not being able to forgive can poison our relationship even more.
Chapter 24
Chase
The air between usis thick—heavy with unspoken words, with regret, with the weight of everything we once were and everything we may never be again. We've been sitting in near silence for hours, with only the low hum of the mini fridge.
Blake speaks to me when he wants to see if I need something, but that’s it. He’s working hard to be attentive to my needs. It’s almost painful to watch him try so hard, to see the quiet desperation in his eyes. But it’s also touching. He’s fighting for us. I just wish he had done it then or right after he betrayed me. Would it have made a difference finding out then or now?
God, I want to trust him again. I want to forgive him for cheating, for breaking us in a way I don’t know how to fix. But how do you put trust back together when it's been shattered? How do you reach for someone who once pushed you away?
“Are you thirsty?” Blake’s voice cuts through my thoughts, pulling me back to the present.
I just nod, my throat too tight to speak.
