“This was always the agreement.” Alaric turned away from her as he felt the weak, selfish part of him scream at him to go to her.
I cannot be that selfish. That I want to ask her to stay shows only that I am too weak to be trusted around her.
“There is no reason to change it.”
“Clearly not.” He heard a quaver in her voice. “I suppose this is farewell then.”
Alaric nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He heard the sound of footsteps, and then the door slammed shut.
It has to be this way.
This was the right thing to do. Catherine would be free to live her life; she could escape his selfishness and all the mess his father had left him with.
He rubbed at the scar on his head, poured himself a drink of whiskey, and closed his eyes.
CHAPTER 25
“You really need to stop lying to me, Kitty,” Harriet sighed as she set down her teacup.
It had been a week since Catherine had returned to her London house with Oliver. Harriet, Fiona, and Louisa had called in on her, and Fiona and Louisa had taken Oliver and Daisy to Hyde Park with some of Fiona’s brothers for protection.
Now Catherine sipped from her own tea, barely registering the fact that it had gone cold several minutes ago. She felt hollowed out, like little more than a shell of herself, but she forced herself to meet Harriet’s gaze.
“I am not lying. I am perfectly fine.” Catherine took a bite of a biscuit and tried to smile; Harriet’s frown only deepened.
“Your tea must be stone cold by now, you have dark circles under your eyes, and they are rimmed with red. With all the love in the world, you look truly awful.” Harriet reached over and squeezedCatherine’s hand. “I only want to help you, but I cannot do that if you do not let me in.”
“I am not trying to keep you out. I just…” A lump formed in Catherine’s throat, and she pushed it down hard as the smell of cedar and amber threatened to rise in her mind. “Every time I talk about it, I feel like I will fall apart.”
“Then let yourself. I will be here to put you back together again.”
“What if I am too broken to be fixed?”
“You are a person, not a plate, and you are not broken.”
“I feel broken. Everything I do feels like an echo of a former life. I feel like I am watching someone else do the things I do. I try to focus on Oliver, to help him gain confidence and to understand that these changes are not his fault.” Her voice caught on the lump in her throat, and she blinked rapidly as tears threatened to spill from her eyes. “And for a while, it helped keep the emptiness at bay. His speech is developing, though we have his slate just in case. But when I am not with him… It all comes flooding back to me.”
‘We will finally be free.’Alaric’s words were like a thorn in her chest, poison seeping from them. As soon as he had said them, she understood. He did not want her; he did not need her anymore.
I am a burden to him.He could not even bear the sight of me.
“I was a fool, Hettie.” Catherine’s voice trembled. “The High Queen of all f ools, and now I have to live with the consequences.”
“What do you mean?”
“I was naïve enough to think that Alaric might actually care for me, to let my heart hope and yearn for that even though I knew there was no future for us.” Catherine wiped a tear from her cheek. “But I was only ever an obligation to him. A burden that he could not wait to be rid of. I was a barrier to his freedom.”
“He said that to you?”
“Not in those words, but his meaning was clear.” Catherine wrapped her arms around herself. “He does not need me, he does not want me, and he never will.”
“And how did you know that? Are you some kind of mind reader?” Harriet folded her arms across her chest.
“What man would want a woman like me? Who would want someone who was too stupid to see a would-be murderer?” Catherine felt a wave of hysteria threaten to take over her. “Alaric has always been clear, right from the day we were married, that love was not an option.”
“The Duke I met when we visited you was nothing like the man you married.” Harriet took Catherine’s hand in hers and squeezed it gently. “That man seemed utterly besotted with you.He was charming and kind. He cares for you, Catherine, I know it.”
‘I love you.’
