Her bare feet sank into the soft, long grass and she felt instant relief. This was one way in which home was unequivocally better than London. She had once spent all her time in this yard, grass-stained, staring at the clouds chasing each other through the sky. Living in the city, it was so easy to forget the life behind what she was studying. She dug her hand into the cool blades of grass.
Her phone buzzed with an Instagram DM.
noahpinion
hey! party’s in an hour, come through!! :)
She found herself calling Tess.
‘Hiya! Got service again?’ Tess asked, and Alice closed her eyes, treasuring the sound of her voice. She hadn’t managed to call Tess in a week, because her only free time seemed to be between midnight and two a.m., and she felt like she’d be keeping Briar up if she was on the phone. Instead, she would stare at the wall and compose emails to Susan in her head.
Dear Susan, I tried to make things better and only made them worse.
Dear Susan, I’m hurting Briar all over again, just by existing.
‘I’m at my mom’s for the weekend,’ Alice explained. ‘The second session starts on Monday and I rode up with Noah and Briar because they have a Fourth of July party between sessions.’
There was a pause, then, ‘And how’s it going?’
Tears fell down her cheeks. Before Susan had died, Alice couldn’t remember the last time she’d cried. Things didn’t usually affect her much. It had taken her childhood ghosts rising back up to make her start feeling again.
‘I’m coming back to London,’ she admitted. She had hoped that saying it out loud would make it any easier. It didn’t.
‘Why?’ Tess asked, thankfully without any hint that she’d noticed Alice crying.
‘I can’t do it,’ Alice said. ‘I’m a disaster. I don’t know why I thought loving camp was enough to be a camp director. I’m letting the kids down,’ she said, thinking of Robin in the director’s office. ‘And… I miss Susan.’ Her voice broke on the word.
‘Well, babe, of course you miss her,’ Tess soothed. ‘But I think you’d miss her just as much if you were here, wouldn’t you?’
‘No,’ Alice said, more forcefully than she’d intended. ‘You don’t understand, everything here reminds me of her. I can’t stop thinking about her, and how I’m failing her.’ The tears were streaming now.
‘Coming home isn’t going to fix that,’ Tess said reasonably. ‘Maybe you’d think about her less if you were here, but thinking about her isn’t a bad thing. You’re grieving, of course you’re thinking about her.’ There was a long pause. ‘And if you don’t want to come home a failure, then you only have one option, and that’s to turn things around. I know you can do it. You’re the most brilliant person I’ve ever met. If anyone can do this, it’s you.’
Alice sat up, wiping at her eyes. ‘God, what have I done to deserve you?’
‘I believe you made the great sacrifice of buying me a drink at a seedy bar when we were eighteen and haven’t managed to shake me since.’
She choked out a laugh. ‘Can’t believe you were bought for six quid. Ought to raise your rates.’
‘I have,’ Tess said drily. ‘But I was both skint and dazzled by your eyes.’
‘I love you and your faith in me,’ Alice said seriously. ‘But I really don’t think there’s a point in sticking around. Briar is planning on selling the camp at the end of the summer.’
‘So give everyone one last great summer to remember the camp by.’ When Alice didn’t respond, Tess kept going, her tone soft. ‘Anyway, you’re leaving, so it’s not like it makes much of a difference to you if it’s sold or not.’
‘Right,’ she said, because of course Tess would think that, even though it felt like the most catastrophic loss in the world to Alice. There was only so much about who she was when she was here that she could ever expect Tess to understand.
‘And Briar?’
‘Umm…’ Alice stalled, trying to think of anything other than Briar’s lips brushing hers. She was beginning to accept that it might be the only thing she’d think about for the rest of her life.
‘Ah,’ Tess said, in a knowing tone.
‘What?’
‘Something happened,’ Tess said, and Alice considered rescinding her just-uttered declaration of love.‘That’s why you’re trying to leave, isn’t it?’
Alice groaned, putting her head between her knees. ‘No, nothing happened.’ Tess didn’t respond, waiting for her to say more. ‘Like I’d do something as incredibly idiotic as come back home and try to make amends with my ex-best friend who I kissed and then ran away from, only to kiss her and run away from her all over again.’
