What the fuck do I say? What can I do to make any of this better?
Literally nothing. So I keep my trap shut, pop a couple of pills from the packet, then I snag a glass from the cabinet and fill it with water. “Here.” I slide both across the stone countertop and eye my phone, black screened and un-ringing.
Billy said he would call the cops over in Seattle and see what they have to say about Darcy’s story. If he’s telling the truth, we run the risk of being stonewalled. And if they tell us he’s a crazy son of a bitch liar, are they being honest… or are they protecting Liam, the nephew of a colleague?
“I dreamed of Liam after I came here.” Rose straightens out just long enough to choke down the pills and chase them with a little water. Then she goes back to slumping. Groaning. Staring at the shiny diamond ring Darcy insisted she have.
There it fucking sits, on my counter, glinting under the overhead lights in my kitchen.
“You remember I dreamed and thought he was my friend, right? And then I dreamed that he… He…”
Shewhimpers.
He stabbed me to death.
Yeah. I remember.
“Everything he says fits with what I remembered.” She lays her head on her arm, closing her eyes as Poopy scampers across the stone and bats her cheek with her paws. “He’s telling the truth.”
I turn to the fridge and take out a loaf of bread. Cheese. Slices of ham. Butter. It’s too late for lunch and too early for dinner. I’m not sure either of us is hungry, but not eating is Rose’s go-to when she’s stressed. Scared. Tired. Fuck, it’s her go-to always, unless I’m the one serving her a meal. So I get to work constructing a sandwich and switching the stove on.
“Ollie?”
“Mm.”Don’t fuckin’ ask me to weigh in. I beg you.“What do you think you’ll do about all this?”
“I don’t know.”
I glance over my shoulder and catch her tapping the ring with the tip of her pointer finger. Tap. Tap. Tap.
“I kinda wanna hit pause on existing for a while.” Tap, tap, tap. “Ignore Darcy. Ignore the Liam stuff.”
Ignore me?
“Try not to focus on the very real fact that I may be a dirty slut.”
I turn and scowl. “What?”
“Engaged to one man. Living with and sleeping with another. And then there’s Liam, the one I possibly… maybe… probably led on, to the point I either ran away with him, or I was abducted by him. That’s three.” She flashes three fingers, tears welling in her eyes and falling sideways to roll across the bridge of her nose. “Can’t explain any of that away without accepting first and foremost that I’m the common denominator. I’m the problem.”
“Coming to conclusions based on information provided by one guy and your faulty dreams is how shit gets wonky.” I go back to the stove, slathering butter onto the bread and slapping cheese and ham between both slices. “The only common denominator I’ll accept right now is your habit of assuming the worst about yourself. That’s that trauma brain, determined to tear you down. If your brain were a guy, I’d kick his ass.”
She snickers and chokes. Whimpers and moans. “God. This is all such a mess. And the worst part is, I just…” Hiccupping, she straightens on her stool. “I just want you to hug me. I want everything to go back to where I could tell you I love you and think those words were special and real, like I’d never said them to anyone else. But now… Now, it feels cheap and fake. Like maybe I say that toeveryoneand none of it is real. That makes me a horrible, hideous person who never deserved your kindness. But still,” she cries. “I just want you to hold me.”
I cut the heat on the stove and stalk around the counter. Grabbing her shoulders and spinning her on the stool, I step between her legs and wrap her up tight. “You are not a horrible person, Rose. You’re not hideous or fake or cheap or any other nasty thing you said about yourself.” I stroke her hair flat and press a kiss to the top of her head. “It’s possible to love more than one person in this lifetime.”
God. Fuck. Shut up.
“And it’s possible to experience the kind of trauma you did and come out the other side a different person. So maybe you loved Darcy. Maybe you said yes when he asked you to marry him, and maybe you made that decision fully intending to follow through. And then Barbara happened, andwemet. You love me, too. You said yes to being with me. And that’s okay. Darcy’s existence doesn’t mean you lied to me. It doesn’t mean you lied to him. It just means you have this amazing capacity tolove.” I push her back, uncovering her devastated eyes, soaked in heartache. “If your biggest flaw islove, then anyone who knows you is better for it. We’re lucky to experience it.”
“But what am I supposed to do with it? The person I used to be and the person I am now have collided. No matter what happens now, no matter what I choose, I’ll be responsible for hurtingsomeone.” She slips between my hands and presses her face to my chest. “What if he’s just like you?”
My heart thunders cruelly against my diaphragm, bruising me on the inside and battering against my lungs. “Darcy?”
“Yes. What if he’s as amazing and kind and sweet and selfless as you? What if the men I choose are thesame? So there’s a man out there right now, alone and broken because of what I did to him. To damage someone as amazing as you? Toforgethim?” She sobs. “That’s unforgivable.”
She didn’t eat. She didn’t even pick at her food. And aside from the mouthful of water she had with the headache pills, I haven’t seen her drink anything all damn day besides her coffee with breakfast.
“How is she, Ol?” Raquel’s gentle voice is almost enough to erase the sting of Rose asleep on the very opposite end of the couch. Rolled into a ball, with her legs tucked against her chest and her arms circling her knees.
