ME
Please don’t stab yourself with the fire poker. My house is beautiful, I agree. But only when you’re in it.
ROSE: April 7th, 8:23am
I found a stray kitten in your backyard.
8:24am
OLIVER! It’s just a baby, and it’s meowing and sad and scared.
8:55am
I called Raquel, since you’re busy, and she said to tie a cute ribbon around its neck. That way, you wouldn’t be able to refuse.
9:12am
However, Raquel and I ALSO agreed that manipulation is not okay. So I didn’t tie a ribbon around its neck.
9:13am
But it was cold, so I grabbed a pair of my socks and cut holes in one of them. So now the kitten has a whole outfit. Which means it’s not cold anymore. I’m adding the socks to my list of things to pay you back for.
9:46am
I’m not attached, I swear! But the kitten’s been here for an hour now, and she’s sleeping in my hoodie pocket. Isn’t that the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen?
9:47am
[pic attached]
10:18am
You haven’t replied to my texts about the kitten. Are you mad?
1:53pm
Okay. It’s been five hours now. Message received. Are you mad? You’re mad. I’ll call around and see who else can take her.
1:59pm
[pic attached]
2:48pm
I called the vet, and since it’s nice out, I walked into town and had her looked at.
First of all, she’s a she. She’s not microchipped, and no one reported missing any kittens.
I also searched all around your house, under the deck, behind the decrepit greenhouse, and in the chimney—ya know, just in case.
2:49pm
I can’t find any other kittens or a mommy cat looking for her baby.
2:51pm
The vet said she’s old enough to have normal kitten milk and wet food.
