There’s a deeply unsettled feeling in my gut, one that distresses me far more than I would like. I have to force myself to take a deep breath, smile, and thank her for her generosity.
“Have you tried writing your memories? In case there are any other stray bits of damage?” Liana asks suddenly.
I look up at her and then quickly close my mouth.
“No.”
“Why not?” Those silver eyes prod at my defenses.
I swallow.
“I can’t write well enough.” It’s only a partial truth, but it broaches the subject of something far too tender to speak about.
She gives me an incredulous look. “You can, and there are those who could help you if needed.”
“Didn’t you call me here to discuss my magic?” I say.
She flexes her jaw. “This is pertinent.”
I let out a long breath. “I haven’t used my magic since we came back to the caves. It’s… unpleasant to think of the power inside of me. Of what it can do.”
Liana’s face softens. “There it is. You feel guilty.”
“Guilty doesn’t even begin to describe it,” I mutter.
“So then describe it to me,” she counters.
I ball my fists. “When I was trying to help heal Dyrn, I ended up speeding up his death?—”
“You were easing him into a less painful death. There’s a difference.”
I shake my head, insistent.
“It’s not just the Fuegorra. While I was in Zlosa, I found this tight, glowing thread inside of me. When I pulled on it, I shined like a star. When Rholker touched me, he was burned. That’s never happened before. What if I do that to someone here? Teo? Or Arlet? What if I hurt little Rila?” My voice wobbles. “I’ve caused enough pain.”
Liana purses her lips. “Now I see.”
“See what?” I ask.
She cocks her head to the side. “You believe that you deserve the pain you’ve been put through.”
I stiffen.
“Yes, that’s it, isn’t it?”
I say nothing.
“It’s hard to make mistakes, even grave ones at times, and then have to learn how to overcome them.”
I finally meet her gaze. “It’s easy when someone is all good or all bad.I am… both.”
She smiles. “Things are rarely black and white, even in regards to our enemies.”
I take a deep breath. “I fear what I can do with my body.”
She nods and places her hand back on my shoulder. “Even with my visions of the future, there is much I don’t know. One thing I can tell you with absolute certainty is that if you don’t train, you will always fear your magic. It will make you dangerous later down this path.”
I grit my teeth.
