“It’s okay,” he says.“I can afford the best doctors.”
I shake my head.“I paid for all the doctors.I’m a nurse practitioner, remember?”I finally turn to face him.“I’m not fertile, and I tried to ignore that for fourteen years.I tried, and I tried, and I tried, and every single time it killed me a little bit more inside.I love myselfenoughnow not to ever put myself through that again, not for me, not for my own dreams, and not for anyone else.”My voice has gotten small.So very, very small.“Richard, I love youso muchthat the thought of telling you all this, it—” My voice cracks.“But I can’t.”I’m shaking my head again, tears falling freely onto my lap.“Even for you, I can’t do it again.Because every single time, I would pray, and I would beg God and I would plead with him, offering him anything and everything I had if only my baby would live, and every single time, when the baby died, I hated God, and then I hated myself, and I can’t do it.I just can’t, not ever again.”I drop my face in my hands, and I cry, and I wait.
I wait for him to tell me it’s alright.
I wait for him to tell me that he still loves me.
I wait for him to tell me that,of course, he would never want that for me.
I wait for him to tell me that I’m enough, and that his legacy isn’t nearly as important as me, and that we don’t need to have children.
But he doesn’t say any of that.
The one thing I’ve learned about Richard in the time we’ve spent together is that he cares a great deal about having a family.I watch him watching Natalie and Vanessa.I see him noticing other children.I know how badly he wants to be a father.I do believe that he loves me.I don’t think any of that was a lie.
But if someone told me years ago that it was Brent’s fault that I couldn’t have kids?I’d have divorced him much, much sooner, because the amount of desperate need I have for a family wasn’t matched by the love I felt for Brent.
Clearly, the love Richard feels for me is outpaced by the desire in his heart for the family he’s always wanted, and I can’t even blame him for that.It’s not his fault.He’s always been very upfront about what he wants.Natalie dumped him for it, for heaven’s sake.
And now, as we drive to Lismore Castle in silence, I realize we’re going to break up for the very same reason.
“I will call you,” he says.“It’s a lot to process, but I love you.”He forces a smile as he exits my car in the front drive of his massive castle.
I circle around woodenly to take the driver’s seat, and then I start for home without thinking about what I’m doing.I know my way home.I can get there, even in this bizarre stupor that seems to have taken over my body.
When I reach Fortwilliam, it’s almost ten at night.It’s a ridiculous time to find myself bawling like a baby, but at least in the dark, no one’s likely to see me.I practically sprint to the barn, and then I keep right on going until I’ve reached the cottage.Natalie’s there, covered with paint, and I don’t even care.
She wraps her arms around me without saying a word.
Natalie clearly already knows that I told him the truth, and that it didn’t go well.In typical Natalie fashion, she just rubs one hand on my back and lets me cry.There’s a reason I came to her.Even though no one does more and pushes harder and fights more fiercely for things, when I’m hurting, she just lets me hurt.
Vanessa would have insisted on trying to fix it, and I’m not there yet.
When I finally straighten, Natalie looks me dead in the eye and says, “My pregnancies aren’t that bad.I can carry a baby for you.”
And, good heavens, that sets me off again.
“I know you’re upset, and I know this is a lot to think about, but I do mean it.”She grabs me and pulls me tight against her chest.“It would be myprivilegeto carry your child.”
I’m hiccupping now, and my insane crying turns into manic laughter.“You’d be carrying your ex-boyfriend’s baby.”I’m not sure why, but for some reason it strikes me as the funniest thing I have ever heard in my life.“You and Richard would be having a baby after all.”
She starts laughing then, but you can see she’s sad about it.She’s sad for me.Her heart’s breaking with me.She puts her arm around me, and she squeezes.“I wouldn’t be having Richard’s baby.I’d be having mybest friend’sbaby, and it would be my pleasure.”
“I would never ask you to do that,” I say, our laughter dying in that moment.“Never.”
“I would do it without hesitation.”
I’m crying again, but silently this time.“I know you would, and that’s why I love you so much, but Natalie, this is just my life.God didn’t bless me with kids, and that’s just what my lot has been.”
“Science allows a lot of things these days.”But then her head tilts, and her voice drops to a whisper.“But Sam, I am so sorry that he didn’t tell you that he doesn’t care.”
“He doesn’t have that option,” I say.“He’s not exactly a regular guy.”
But deep down, I’m at least as sad as she is.
19
Vanessa
