But none of it was enough.
I can’t quite tell you how angry I am with God.How could he send you to me, how could I love you as much as I do, and the one thing I need, the one thing I can’t do without, is the one thing that will break your heart?
I love you so much, and I swear, in all the world, the very last thing I can ever imagine doing is hurting you.For the rest of my life, I will always cheer you on.You thought you looked horrible at that last show, but you looked perfect to me.
I can’t wait to see what you can do and how far you can go with this horse.She’s the most perfect horse I’ve ever owned, so it felt like she had to go to the most perfect woman I’ve ever met.Please know that I wanted to be the man who gave you everything, but I think you’re right.If we stay together, I’ll hurt you more simply by being who I am.
But I can’t stay in Ireland, not with you there.
I’m still hosting the ball; I just won’t be present for it.I told Natalie all of this, and she tried to help me see how stupid I am.The problem is that I know just how terribly dumb I am for losing you, but we’re like opposing magnets.Any way I turn things, we can’t seem to reach one another.
I wish you all the best in life, forever, truly.
Love,
Rich
Cillian’s upending his life to be with Natalie.
Jack told off his own mother.
But me?
I get the guy who gives me a horse and tells me we’re diametrically opposed.It figures.
Cachacco is stunning.She’s well-behaved, for such a spirited horse.I get her settled in, and I thank Aodhán for bringing her on Christmas, and then I head over to Natalie’s.I do my very best to smile, and to say the right things, and to go through the motions so no one panics.
But inside, I feel pretty mangled.
My heart’s battered worse than I thought it could be from breaking up with someone I was only with for a few months.Shouldn’t it be easier, when you’ve known the guy for a short time?Natalie seemed fine after she dumped him.
Then again, they weren’t really dating, and he didn’t break up with her because she has a faulty uterus.
“You okay?”Natalie’s at my elbow, holding a squirming puppy.“You look...hollow.”
I chuckle.“You always know.”
“We both noticed.”Vanessa hugs me then, pulling me tight, and Natalie wraps her puppy-free arm around me from the back.
“Love you,” Natalie says.
They hold on for long enough that their kids notice, and instead of looking at us like we’re insane, Bryce and Trace, Hannah and Clara, and the twins all just pile on.
Trish starts to laugh.“You guys look like some kind of performance art.”
“Or like a play-doh creation.”Trina tilts her head.
“Get in here,” Natalie mutters.
The others rush over, too.It’s not a bad way to celebrate Christmas, even now.I have to feed the horses after that, and both girls insist on helping me.I don’t argue.I think they can tell I need them.
Plus, I want them to gush over my new mare.
When I finally get back home, it’s late, and I’m exhausted.I should just drop right into bed.I can shower in the morning, and I can wash my sheets then too, if they smell like horse.But I can’t help refreshing my email just one more time.There’s no email from the agency, which I sort of knew there wouldn’t be.
But thereisan email.
It’s from my friend Jan.
