“There’s something you should know about me, Helen.” Seb sat up. “The last time I saw my father, I was visiting Ottawa for my friend Jimmy’s birthday. I hadn’t seen my parents for at least a year so I felt duty bound to visit and, unsurprisingly, they were arguing when I arrived.”
“What about?”
“Their divorce settlement.” Seb choked out a laugh, still not believing what he’d walked into that day. “I hit the frickin’ roof. Like,now, after so many bitter years, and all the shit I had to listen to as a child, they wanted to divorce? I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry or kick a fucking door in. So then we all start arguing, hurling the past at each other.”
Seb’s heart pumped faster as he relived the fury and disappointment. “I told them how their fights had affected me and they were like, ‘What do you mean? We gave you everything!’ which then made them bring up the expenses of my training and how I hadn’t fulfilled their ambitions because I’d only achieved bronze.”
“Sebastian, that’s awful!”
“Oh, that’s nothing. I’d heard all that before—and it’s not the worst part. My father stormed off to his study, like he always did, then we heard a thud and a groan. Mom looked at me like I should go see what happened, she was running late for a meeting, but I was outta there too. I slammed the door and didn’t look back.”
“Was that the day he died?”
“Yes.” Seb clenched his jaw so hard it hurt, the backs of his eyes stinging. “When I got to Jimmy’s place, Mom called to tell me he’d had a heart attack.”
“I’m so sorry.” Helen wrapped her arms around him, like a big soft blanket. “Please don’t blame yourself.”
“It’s kinda hard not to.” Seb cleared his throat before his voice cracked. “So you see, Helen, happy families just don’t exist for me because that’s the kind of family I’m from. The kind that lets a man die alone on the floor.”
“But that’s not the whole story! One incident doesn’t define you.”
“It’s the bottom-line truth.” Seb pressed his fingers against his eyes. “That’s why I went to Vegas. I let everyone believe I was drowning the sorrow of my loss, but really I was drowning the unfeeling person I’d become.”
“No, that’s not true. You’re warm and generous and care deeply for so many people. I’ve seen how you are with the public. You treat strangers like friends. It’s why you’re so good at your job. And you have feelings for me, don’t you?”
Yes. He did. But were those feelings strong enough to make him want to share his life with her long-term, like Helen so obviously wanted?
Seb never let anyone get too close. He hadn’t gotten through his childhood without becoming an expert at stonewalling personal entanglements, and was it even possible to reverse his life-long belief that relationships were bullshit?
Especially as that belief had kept him safe and sane his whole adult life.
Chapter 29
Acoolwindblewacross the garden early Thursday morning when Helen let the hens out. Watching them scratch and squabble, she rubbed her goose-bumped arms feeling the nip of autumn.
Sebastian had just texted to tell her he’d arrived safely in Ottawa. He’d flown out yesterday evening after he’d finished work and was now about to check in to a hotel to catch a few hours’ sleep before his father’s memorial. Today would be tough on him. She wished she could be by his side but knew he’d prefer to be alone anyway. It’s what he was used to, though she hoped it wouldn’t always be that way. The cottage was already feeling empty without him.
A taste of things to come.
They’d shared something deep and loving these past two days—even if Sebastian didn’t realize it. He’d finally allowed her to take a step into his inner world, allowed her to see his pain, and whatever happened in September when he returned to his normal life wouldn’t change that.
But Helen still didn’t know if he wanted a real relationship with her or not. She hoped the next few days apart would make him decide.
Feeling lost and lonely, Helen weeded her vegetable patch to distract her thoughts. She harvested raspberries, courgettes and green beans, then worked on her software for a few hours until Tom and Emma came over on their way to Cornwall to say goodbye.
“When is Sebastian back?” Tom asked.
“Saturday afternoon.”
“Are you together now?”
“I think so.”
“Aren’t you sure?”
“It’s complicated, Tom. He’s still going back to Canada in a few weeks.”
Neither he nor Emma said anything else about Sebastian, though Helen knew they wanted to, just like she knew they’d support her, whatever the outcome. It’s the kind of family she had, not the warring kind, like Sebastian’s.
