Her breath rasping, my mother says, “You were so young. So very fragile, but so very powerful. My little fireball.” She chuckles.
She’s always described me as her fireball, her feisty fighter, but never as fragile. It throws me off for a moment. “Fragile?”
Her eyes are closed now, but she responds. “You have such a bleeding heart, cariad. You couldn’t help it. You needed to learn to control it. I should’ve taught you. The necklace was the best I could think of…”
My hand moves to my amulet. I straighten and try my best not to look at my mother as though she’s gone completely mad. “I’ll take care of the necklace, Mum. Always. I promise.”
Her eyes flutter opened again. “I’m sorry I took your memory. You would have been distraught. And if anyone else had found out… It would’ve meant your death. Perhaps even mine.”
Magdin’s tits. What is she talking about?
“I was too afraid to be brave for you, so you have to find that courage yourself.”
“Afraid of what? Mother, I’m trying to understand, but...”
She smiles sadly at me. “Afraid that if you let yourself remember, you would be vulnerable. But vulnerability doesnotdiminish your strength, Carys. I gave you that necklace after your brother’s death to give you a sense of solace. But it’s only a dampener—it does not control you. Only you can do that.”
Dear gods, she’s completely incoherent. A fresh wave of guilt joins the cacophony of emotions clawing at me. My shoulders tense and I press my lips firmly together, begging my patience not to unravel. For so long, I’ve been desperate to have a conversation with her, to lay out the hundreds of unanswered questions that have piled up in mymind. And now, she can only speak in riddles. Now, I have even more unanswered questions.
My heart breaks all over again.
“Talk to me, cariad.”
“I—” The words flee from me and my eyes sting. I reach for her hand, my own trembling. “I want you to get better,” I say, and my voice is barely louder than a whisper.
Her eyes flutter closed. “You’re not listening.” Her words aren’t gentle anymore, nor is the grip of her hand on mine.
My chest tightens and I feel like a child being disciplined. My mind spirals back to an image:
I’m five years old again, weeping in a corner. My mother, so much younger than she is now, is the picture of serenity as she kneels before me. “I know it feels overwhelming,” she says. “This will help.” She slips the necklace over my head and the pendant settles heavily against my chest, instantly placating me.
I blink as I fall back into myself. The memory was so vivid that, for a moment, I’m befuddled by the woman, sixteen years later, withering away before me. “Mum?”
“Still here, my sweet child,” she says. “I have made many regrettable blunders. But never forget how much I love you. I’ve only ever wanted to protect you.”
I nod, tears brimming. This is too much like a farewell. It’s too painful to bear. I worry at my lower lip before saying, “Please, don’t go.” My voice comes out thick with tears.
A moment later, her head lolls, and Alys jumps to her feet as my heart tumbles into my stomach. Leaning close to check her breathing, her fingers lightly resting on her throat, Alys says, “Just asleep.”
I release a sigh of relief.
“Help me lay her down again.”
I nod and we get my mother onto her back once more. I stare down at her, zipping the pendant back and forth along the chain ofmy necklace. I should be the one in that bed, losing my mind, losing my life. Not her. This kingdom needsher. She would know what to do about the rebellion, about the questionable choices of the Forayers and the leniency they’re given. About Iywan and the bloody Council.
How am I supposed to get the Council and Iywan to take me seriously when they consider me but a mere child? Iywan was the most incredible advisor to my mother. Together, they were a force to be reckoned with. He respected her as the queen and his friend, but he can’t see beyond the child he still thinks I am.
Beyond the child who can’t control herself.
When my father died, Iywan was there for me. When my mother’s time comes, I fear it won’t be the same.
“Carys.” Alys’s voice is quiet. I’d almost forgotten she was there.
I startle, my mind reeling back. “How did you…? Did you do something to make her lucid?”
“It’s unfortunately temporary,” Alys says.
“Why temporary?” I snap.
