“Right.” She lifts a thin brow, dubious. She begins stretching along with me, bending over with her back straight, one hand reaching across her body to the opposite foot. She straightens and switches sides before turning her face to me again. “How are youreallydoing?”
I fidget with my sleeve since I no longer wear my dampener. “I’m… anxious. I think your brother and Alys are hiding something from me.”
She glances over her shoulder at them as they converse a small distance away. “You should ask them.”
I gnaw on my lower lip and shake my head.
“How do you feel about the rebellion now? You know, as we draw closer to the Verge?”
I shrug, wanting to look away as my neck and face grow warm.
“I know you’re not able to fully control your powers yet, but think about how rewarding it would be. To be able to be a part of the group who rescued your brother? It can’t be that bad, right?” Her smile is too wide, almost comical.
To keep from smiling, I press my lips together. “I don’t think it’s for me. I just want to get back to a mundane life. I’m no warrior. I’m just… Durvla. If there’s anything I’m good at, it’s taking care of my brother.”
Chiyo giggles. “And making the princess’sFeast dress. You didn’t know you had that in you before you did it. You’re not just an older sister. You have your own things.”
Still reluctant to give in to the romanticization of joining the rebellion, I remain silent. Chiyo crosses her arms over her small frame, her face etched in deep thought before she glances over her shoulderagain at the others and then back to me. “Would you like me to talk to them?”
I appreciate the change in topic, but I heave a sigh. “I’ll ask… soon. I just need to find the courage.”
Osheen strolls toward us. His auburn hair has grown, curling around his ears, and he has a thick beard that makes him appear older than twenty-four. The dark circles beneath his eyes do nothing to help. He smiles at me, but it lacks the warmth I’m used to. I mentally swat away the small pang in my chest and smile back at him, hoping that mine makes up for the warmth that his is missing. I doubt it.
“Are you alright?” he asks.
I sigh heavily. “I am fine. Please, stop asking me.”
He blinks, slightly taken aback.
“I’m sorry.” For so long, only Osheen and Orla knew about my struggles, and now more struggles have been added to my plate. The constant barrage of questions about my wellbeing is a reminder of how much weaker I am than everyone else. It’s a hint that my life will never go back to the comfort I was familiar with, even if I could return to Cluain Baile. I don’t know my next steps. My guilt lingers for wanting to run away from it all when Carys is being tortured. How long can she endure?
“Durvla?” I refocus on Osheen and Chiyo’s concerned faces. “Are you—” Chiyo stops abruptly, the question intentionally left unfinished.
“I need to walk,” I tell them. I turn away as a tear escapes and start walking in a random direction, keeping far away from the edge of the cliff. A couple more days. I just need to keep it together for a couple more days, then I can regroup and figure out my next steps.
I walk with my hands on my head, breathing slowly like I’ve been taught, bringing my mind back to the present things rather than the past or the future.
Our surroundings are beautiful. The frightening height allows a wide view of the land. Across the sea, far in the distance, exists another land. I’m not entirely sure which.
In my periphery, someone approaches. My heart lifts as I expect it to be Kilkenny, but it’s Alys. A mild disappointment settles over me, but I smile softly at her.
“Hello, sweetling,” she says, holding out a bright red apple. Her grey eyes are weary, lacking the usual brilliance. Her salt-and-pepper hair is piled atop her head, a pink and orange patterned scarf wrapped around it with the tail ends peeking over her shoulder. It’s such a cheerful accessory for such a dreary day and the overall somber mood of everyone in our little party.
“Thank you,” I say, taking the apple. “I just need a moment to myself… if you don’t mind?”
She smiles and nods, then pats me on the shoulder and retreats.
I sit in the grass, intending to eat the apple, but my appetite runs away. I cross my legs and close my eyes, recalling everything I’ve learned about shielding. Pull up a mental wall, block everything out. It shouldn’t be hard when I’ve spent most of my life blocking everything out. Slowly, steadily, I breathe, focusing on each inhalation and exhalation, letting the world fall away.
Then suddenly, it’s as if I’m falling, my mind propelled into another setting. I open my eyes, and rather than cliffs and beautiful waters shining in the sunlight, there are two tree trunks in a dark forest. Kilkenny and Alys stand between them… where I’d worked on dagger throwing not long ago.
“I don’t want to tell her unless we’re certain,” Alys says to Kilkenny.
He runs his fingers through his hair, a tremor in his hand. “I can feel it. I’m certain.”
Then I’m back where I started, sunlight, cliffs… My head throbbing, and… I’m in the grass with Alys crouching in front of me, panic written all over her face. Mistrust propels me to pull away as she reaches out to me, and she blinks, confused.
“Are you alright?” she signs.
