“It’s nothing,” he says.
“I said, show me.” My voice doesn’t falter, and he concedes, standing and letting his hand fall so that I can inspect the wound beneath.
I rise to my knees on the cot, carefully lifting the fabric of his tunic, swallowing a gasp. A long gash runs horizontally across his side, and given the placement, he is lucky the blade struck a rib bone and not the vulnerable flesh between. It isn’t life threatening, barring infection, and has already been stitched shut. My throat bobs as I lay the fabric back against his side.
“How did this happen?”
In answer, he settles a small leather pouch in the palm of my hand. I untie the leather strap that binds it, nearly dropping the small bundle onto the cot when I look inside.
“Pitch?!” I hiss, in shock.
His brow creases. “There is no veil in the sundering in which I would ever give you pitch, Vari. It’s an herb, a sedative. It will help you with the dreams. Use it sparingly. Try another way to find your release if you can manage. You’re not likely to find more of this, so when you run out, you are on your own.”
I can feel my blood heating beneath my skin as my hands begin to shake.
“You let them beat you, for this?!” I yell, shooting to my feet to glower at him closer to eye level.
I have no idea who ‘them’ is but nothing this man could give me would be worth risking his life.
“I got you what you needed,” he bites back.
I can’t let myself think about what he went through to get the herb. It isn’t simple thugs that did this to him. This isn’t some deal in a dark alley gone awry. Who on the whole of Terr could come so close to ending the master of shadows with only a blade?
“I don’tneedthis,” I spit out as I throw the pouch to the floor. “Ineedyou, in one piece.”
“You’ve never needed me, Vari,” he says flatly.
“Fine.” I ball my fists at my sides and swallow, shoving down every survival instinct beaten into me over the years. “I don’twantit. Iwantyou.”
“In one piece,” he adds, matter-of-factly.
I swallow hard, forcing myself to step forward despite every instinct I possess rebelling against the action. I rest my forehead against his chest andbreathe in his scent.
My stomach twists as a truth I have been unwilling to admit, even to myself, tumbles from my lips unbidden. “I just wantyou, Kesh.”
There is a moment, I think I feel him lean into me. I imagine his arms wrapping me up and pulling me against him, as he whispers every promise my heart yearns to pry from his lips. When he does speak, my blood runs cold.
“You’re letting your guard down, Vari.”
My back stiffens and he takes a step back, out of my reach in so many brutal ways. Every muscle in my body coils as I prepare for the blow he is about to land. He’s said it hundreds of times throughout the years, always during our training. It’s the way he’s always told me I am about to lose. A small mercy in his own way, so that I can observe the mistake before he ends me.
My eyes reluctantly rise to his face. He wears his mask so well, his eyes void of all emotion, making me feel every bit the student as he looks down on me.
“Don’t,” I beg, nearly choking on my plea.
“You are never to trust anyone with knowledge like that again.”
“Except you,” I argue.
He has always been the exception.
“Not even me,” he growls, “Everyone is dangerous, those you trust and let into your confidence even more so.”
“But you would never—”
“Stop!” he shouts. “Whatever it is you are about to say, I would, I have, and I will again. You are going to get yourself killed if you continue to believe anyone is the version of themselves they show you. It’s all the dark hateful bits we keep tucked away that truly make us who we are, and no one is ever going to trust you with those.”
“Stop it, Kesh. You sound like Leanna.” My voice is weak, my mouth dry, but there is still venom when I hurl the words at him.
