“He looked at me like that because he couldn’t grasp the reality of me still being alive. Am I right?”
It comes out croaked. I swallow down the bile crawling up my throat, burning my esophagus on its way, leaving its mark. I don’t wait for his response, my mind spinning.
“How many women have you killed here?” I can’t contain the tremble in my voice; the fear strangles me. Realization takes root, sharp and cold.
“You chose me because part of me longs for death. Again, I’m not chosen for me, but because I’m some sort of convenience.” The words come out choked as the pieces align.
My heart feels constricted. It’s not even the killing part that bothers me, even though it should. What hurts is that I believed in our fairytale, that he choseme, for me, but again, I was never a priority. Just a mere convenience for someone else’s needs. And it hurts.It fucking hurts.
“Clara, please, let me explain. It’s not like that! You are my priority, you’ve always been. From the moment you said ‘hello’, I was bound to you. Don’t you understand you are myweakness? I’ve sat with you through your darkness, because I saw the simmering of your light.”
His words end in a whimper, like an animal that suffers in pain. His voice hooks into my ribs and pulls me in. I ignore the dull ache that slowly spreads into my heart, the seams fracturing, because I am desperate for him to stitch them back together.
I cross my arms and lean away from him, out of his reach, even though it hurts me. I can feel my very being clawing for him, starved and feral to be near him.
“Speak.”
That's all I can get out.
He lets out a deep breath. “You are right… I have killed women before…”
I pin him in place with my stare, his admittance strangely not triggering me to run.
“But it’s not what you think, Starling. Please. None of them compares to you. Marvin, he delivered them to me like offerings, no matter how I begged him not to.… I-I tried to feel something for the women he brought me, anything, but there was nothing. No connection. No spark. He only relented when I told him I’d found you. Please…” his voice falters, “you have to believe me.”
My eyes trace him, slow and unblinking.
I know it is the foolishness in me, naivety clinging to my bones like a second skin—but the ache in my chest is unbearable. I will not survive the heartbreak that comes with leaving him. I long for him with a certainty that frightens me. Whatever binds us defies reason, yet I know, in some unnamable way, that he is telling the truth. I believe him—not with my mind, but with something deeper, something more profound. As if our souls' entanglement makes it impossible for him to lie to me.
Drawn by that certainty, I move toward him slowly. I settle onto his lap, close enough to feel his warmth, to feel the pull of what I cannot explain and no longer wish to resist. My heart yearns for him, his touch. I’m his, because he asked.
I fold my hands behind his neck and braid my fingers, shackling him to me.
“Jasper… tell me how you did it,” I whisper. “Tell me how you took their breath away.”
He fixes his gaze on me and splays his hand on my chest, over my pounding heart, which still beats because of him.
“There’s not much to tell, Darling. Their presence awakened my demon. The one you witnessed firsthand. Their attempts to touch me lured it out. The mere idea of their flesh touching mine, made me go berserk. I was unable to control it, but I took no pleasure in it. I tried to make them quick deaths, but I had moments were I was unable to confine myself, and I resorted to torture. In the end, I slit their throats.”
Strangely, the knowledge that most of their deaths were swift soothes something uneasy inside me. Even with the torture, there was no passion in it—no lingering touch, no indulgence. Just an end. I realize now that I needed to know, driven by the ugly jealousy coiling in my chest, sharp and uninvited. I am ashamed of the desires that betray me, of how deeply they reach and how little I can deny them.
“My need to be with you is both a torment and my lifeline. Even now, after you confessed that every woman brought into this house found death, I trust that our souls speak the same language. But if your monster can no longer be contained; just know, I’d allow you to give me my eternity,” I tell him, unable to cloak my vulnerability.
His eyes fill with sorrow. “Clara, Starling, when will you understand that it is your presence that keeps it confined. The only violence you’ll ever experience from me is my devotion.”
I let out a deep sigh, the turmoil of emotions settling slowly.
“Perhaps tell Marvin I’m bound to stay, that I’m not going anywhere, because the way he stared at me, made my skin crawl.”
Jasper opens his mouth, but I silence him by placing my index finger on his lips. “No, Jasper, you’re not going to kill him. A brief conversation should be sufficient.”
A smirk spreads across his face, and he cups my face, his lips finding mine. With my tongue, I slide across the roof of his mouth, tasting him, and I wonder where my sanity went. I smile against his lips, because I know damn well, I buried it the moment I met him. And by accepting his truth, I do the same with the whispers of despair and loneliness that managed to climb back in.
Being back in his embrace silences them.
I’m no longer ready for death, unless it’s by his hands. With him, I want to live. With him by my side, I am no longer lonely or alone.
His strong hand wraps firmly around the back of my neck, pinning me in my place, and the sensation of his wild kisses overthrows any remaining thought that still lingered, from our short conversation. There’s no path of return as I surrender to him, which seems to be my permanent state.
