This has been for nothing.
I have touched perfection and that is all I could have ever wished for anyway. What does it matter, what happens next?
Something warm curves over my thigh.
I am gasping, but I’m not sure what for.
I am shaking, and I don’t know why.
My head touches the hardwood floor.
I find relief here, eyes closed, the world blotted out, just like I should be.
Nothing matters.
It never has.
What I feel for her is swallowed in self-loathing, and she cannot fix it, me,this.
I bring the blade up to the hollow of my throat.
I wonder if I could dare.
I press against my skin.
It does not hurt.
Not yet.
I grip the handle with both hands, still crouched over. I don’t know if they can see. The scent of my own urine floods my nose, my mouth. I can taste it in the back of my throat, as close as I am to my filth.
A ragged laugh claws through the room and I think it is coming from me.
I never want to hear myself again.
I press the blade deeper.
My skin doesn’t split. It is not enough. Even in this, I am a coward.
I need a gun, the one Cosmo had. I am not sure what he did with it. I will find it, if this doesn’t work. If I am not brave enough to slice myself to the other side.
But there are footsteps.
There is a girl.
An angel, shielding my body with hers, covering my back with her arms, her head pressed to mine.
“Don’t, don’t,don’t,”she says, over and over, a song of sorts. Her breath touches my ear. She is down here in the filth with me.
She is here with me.
“Nothing he said is true. Not about you, not about what you do to me, not about how you made me feel. You are gorgeous, you are so handsome, you are good at everything. I have chosen you and I will again, and again. You are not nothing.You are mine, Sullen Bram Rule.”
My hands are shaking.
The blade falls a short distance to the floor.
A sob leaves me, forcing its way from my body, my mouth, causing me to tremble violently as I press my fingers to my eyes, attempting to keep the tears hidden. They have never done me much good,before.
