And when it does, warm and wet, he swipes his finger through it, his lips parted as if in awe, and he pushes into my mouth.
I suck for him, staring into his eyes, and I see it.
He might never say it.
But he loves me, and in this moment, I own him, too.
Chapter 35
Sullen
Seeing God.
Aphrase I grasped, on some metaphorical level. Stein was maniacal about his pursuit of godhood. Hisascensionhe believed would come from my torture. More than see god, he wanted tobeone. He’ll never get there, of course, and I have just had the next best thing.
She showed me God, just now.
And God must sleep, too.
She fell under so quickly, but not until I helped us both to the bathroom and under the shower stream. The darkness that let me slip off my clothes, slide inside the stall with her. She was shaking with giddiness and I trembled with fear, but I trust her, don’t I? I trustthis, in the smallest, most fragile way.
It’s how she couldn’t stand Maude close to me. The way she goaded me with tales of Cosmo, but I know she doesn’t love him. Not like she loves me. She got on her hands and knees, scrubbed urine from my old bedroom floor.
No one has ever done a thing like that for me before.
No one ever will again.
She is all I want.
And I helped her dress after the shower, a towel wrapped firmly around my waist. Maybe she saw the letters carved into my chest, along my spine, the F on my thigh, but she didn’t ask me questions, and she didn’t try to touch me, and she let me slide a clean shirt over her head, pull shorts over her round ass.
There are things we should be doing. A battle we should prepare for. She told me what Cosmo said to her when they were alone.
But it is possible we do not survive the night. I will not mind now, dying when I know we are inseparable. Because I gave her what she wanted, what she begged for, and now, she is mine.
Sleeping here, in the bed that is ours, at least for this night.
The bathroom door is pulled to, allowing only a sliver of light inside the room, and perhaps I should turn it off. Get my own much-needed sleep. But I am sat on the bed, staring at her, the sheet curved over her lower body, allowing me to see the shape of her ass, the length of her spine, her closed eyes, long lashes, damp, blonde strands curled over her cheekbones.
I like this, watching her while she sleeps. She feels good enough to do it, despite the threats of what may come. She feels safe despite it all, and I get to drink her in without her seeing how completely she undoes me.
And she does.
She has unraveled me in ways Stein would be envious of. He tried to empty me, hollow me out, torture and debase me for his godhood. Instead, this girl—mygirl—has filled me completely, and it is like I cannot breathe without bumping intoherinside my lungs.
The mauve sheets are tangled around her waist, and I reach for them so carefully, pulling them up over her shoulders. If I am gentle, she will not wake. I could be rough, and she would, but…
I do not want that.
Not right now.
I find myself wishing to be careful with her in ways I only ever was with specimens, and even then, not like this.
I would die for her.
But maybe I would live for her, too.
Slowly, I lie on my back and listen to her breathe in the darkness. Maude, Alivia, Fleet, Elliot; I should find them. They are here for us, after all. I do not know how Cosmo convinced them, and I do not particularly care. And it is that, the indifference to any of them and the ache in my chest forher,that keeps me here beside her for one moment more.
