But worse than that, I remember the promises the preacher made to my parents to coax them into the church in the first place. Peace, prosperity, security, a found family.
It’s hard to breathe.
The scar was the best trauma I got from Deliverance.
Preacher Tim’s cold fingers around me, his soothing words, the way I couldn’t stop from getting hard and how much I hated myself for it, especially when I came home to my mother’s worried face, tears already streaming down her cheeks.
But she knew, and she didn’t stop it.
She knew, and she let me keep going into that building every week.
Does anyone care enough to hurt for me?The question plagued me.
And now Neve Allison Devine stares at me with a ring in her grip that cost me several brand partnerships to buy and she doesn’t put it on her finger and I wonder why she let Faust claim her so easily with the chains but she doesn’t want me.
“Baby,” she says again. And I realize I am shaking all over when I pick my head up and meet her gaze.
But instead of pity reflected there, she’s wearing a wide smile.
And before I can wonder if she will hurt me, mock me, twist me, she pushes the ring onto her finger—a perfect fit—and leaps toward me, knocking me back against the couch as I catch her.
She straddles me, her nose diving into my neck. “I adore you,” she says into my skin. “So fucking much.”
And I squeeze her so tight I don’t think she can breathe, holding her close as I turn my head and relish in the love from her.
My eyes meet Faust’s. My captain. My teammate. My lover, too.
And as he watches us with hooded eyes, I see love reflected there. Everywhere. For the first time, I’m surrounded by it.
SIXTY-THREE
NEVE
Iwake in a tangle of heavy, hard bodies.
But I don’t wake because of them.
Something presses at the edges of my mind. A nightmare shroud in black veil. A distant thing I need to name, but my mouth is dry with sleep, my eyes heavy with the need for more, and I can’t focus.
All I know for certain is Faust has his arm slung around me, and Sylvan is sleeping with his back pressed up to my front, and it is two days past Christmas, and soon hockey will resume. Everything will start again. Still no classes at Drayton, but I will go to their games and cheer for them and scream when someone hurts them and maybe they will get into more fights, but all the while, something hollow will light in my chest.
Nolan.
Nolan.
Mom and I exchanged brief Christmas texts, but nothing more about him. Nothing more about the monster in the room. The unnamed elephant. No news, no updates from the detective, nothing but the sense of feeling returning to me because of these boys spiraled around me, and sheer terror at what it all means.
But when my breathing gets under control again and my pulse returns to a regular rhythm, I let myself feel content in this moment. Under the high ceilings of Faust’s bedroom, the closed black curtains, the darkness still looming outside, the fan on for my comfort, the black candles now lining his dresser, the pieces of me sprinkled in this estate like one day, I might own it too… Then there’s the business cards we designed together, the matte black ones with my name in silver, the plan to get back into coaching, and this time, I might actually know a little more of what I’m talking about.
And these two boys.Men.
Mine.
But then it hits me again. The reason I woke.
A scream. Bloodcurdling and loud, obliterating through the stone and glass of the castle. A faint shriek but I know if I heard it outside, it would nearly pierce my eardrum.
It’s Faust I wake first.
