He’s all I have now that Mom ditched us.How could you?I want to scream it at her.How could you leave me with him?
Nolan rakes his reading glasses off, then twists them between his thumb and forefinger as he looks at the wall.
Why am I so afraid of what he’s going to say? Is this all in my head?
“Neve,” he says quietly, and there he is. The true him. When he says my name, he’s my big brother. Protective and helpful and my biggest cheerleader, even if he’s demanding as fuck.
I feel myself soften as I sag against the counter. He doesn’t want to hurt me. The idea is absurd. He’ll scold me about going out on a school night, tell me I should be careful, that I should call him if I drink too much and need his help.
Normal.
Safe.
“You know I came down here to make sure you’re safe, until whoever is running around campus sticking knives into people all bizarrely connected toyouis caught.”
The drumbeat of fear in the rhythm of my pulse comes back.
“You’re safest when I know where you are.”
“I can share my location?—”
“And no one can get to you if you’re with me. You know I’d do anything to protect you, don’t you?”
The terror takes hold. It feels as if there is ice in my limbs. And any snarky, aggressive, angry comeback I might usually have is replaced with something far more important: Self-preservation.
I force myself to nod and smile small at him. “Yeah,” I say, keeping my tone casual. I loosen my limbs and uncross my arms, turning to the juice which I promptly empty into the sink. “You’re right. I’ll come home tonight. Around ten?” I don’t look at him as I ask, and I force my pride to quiet. I shouldn’t need his permission for anything, despite what he’s helped me buy. Aside from small luxuries I thought were given in good faith, I owe him nothing.
This place is paid for with my business. The one he convinced me to dismantle.
It’s my debt that covers my living expenses, and my scholarship that helped me get into Drayton in the first place.
“That’s late,” he says, but his tone is calm. “Try to get here earlier. We can watch a movie, okay?”
I nod without looking at him. The words feel raw when they scrape up my throat. “Of course.”
We sitin the stadium of Sky Arena, the rink empty, the stands deserted. Both boys are in Dragon sweats and hoodies, and Sylvan has his hood pulled over his head as he slouches to my right.
On my left, Faust is silent, his arms on the armrest, his gaze blank as he stares out across the rink. It’s freezing here, the zip-up Drayton U hoodie Sylvan tossed to me when they walked uphere after changing and showering from their morning skate is not enough to keep me warm.
But I came to the arena in the freezing cold with only a thin white sweater and jeans on. I wanted to get away from Nolan as soon as possible, and when the near-winter air hit me as I stepped outside of Blackwell’s, I couldn’t bear to head back up to my apartment and grab a coat.
Funny how Nolan wants to protect me by watching my every movement, but he didn’t notice when I told him goodbye without a jacket on.
I texted Cyn that I wouldn’t be there most of the day, but Nolan would.
She replied back with,We need to talk about your brother,and that feels like the understatement of the century.
“Has he hurt you?” Faust finally asks. I texted them when I was on my way over to the arena and watched them practice down below while I sat in the nosebleeds. It was fun, actually, and took my mind off things. They were happy to see me, based on the fact both of them couldn’t stop smiling up at me. I heard their teammates giving them shit, but no one seemed too worried it was their captainandtheir star right winger that had my attention.
Now I’ve filled them in and I can feel the anger radiating from Sylvan. I think he put his hood up while I spoke to stop from showing me how much he hated everything I was saying.
“No.” It’s the truth. Not physically, although his comments about food and my weight started to pour in my mind on the icy walk to the arena.
I don’t say that, though.
After Faust fingerfucked me silly a few weeks ago, Sylvan carried me on his back to the kitchen and they fed me pizza, watching while I ate, before I went to see Nolan. Sylvan scoldedFaust for not noticing I was dizzy before he decided to play his own version of a lie detector test.
I ate that night. Really, truly ate. And I didn’t regret it.
