‘He sat on the bed next to me and hugged me and then…’ Zoe’s voice cracked and she shuddered.
‘Take your time,’ I said gently as tears tracked down her cheeks.
She wiped her face and took several deep breaths before continuing. ‘He was stroking my arm, comforting me, and his fingers brushed past one of my boobs. I thought he hadn’t realised but he kept stroking me and each movement got closer and closer. I pulled away and told him I was feeling better now and he shrugged and said okay and left. He was so casual that I told myself I’d imagined it or it had been an accident.
‘After that, he was always finding an excuse to hug me or brush up against me or tickle me. My grandpa used to tickle me and Jacey and have us in fits of giggles andwhat Sol was doing wasnotwhat Grandpa used to do. He’d often do it in front of Mam and I’d tell him to get off me but she’d just laugh and say he was only having fun and I should lighten up.’
‘Oh, Zoe. Surely she could see that what he was doing wasn’tfun.’
‘I tried talking to her when he wasn’t there but she wouldn’t hear a word against him. Made out I was acting up and trying to cause a rift between them cos he wasn’t my dad and I was jealous that she’d found love again. When I persisted, she slapped me. She’d never hit me before but she did it regularly after that – proper beatings too.’
As if her mother’s physical abuse wasn’t bad enough, I felt sick to the stomach as Zoe described how things escalated with Sol. She hated her mother being at home in case she took any frustrations out on her but she also dreaded her being on late shifts because it meant time alone with Sol. He made her feel like it was her fault, that she was leading him on. He fed her the usual stories about nobody believing her which, of course, her mother had already proved and he even got her believing that Jacey didn’t care because, if she did, she’d have chosen her own family instead of her boyfriend’s. With nobody to turn to and the pain building inside her, she found herself opening the bathroom cabinet and reaching for those hairdressing scissors once again.
‘A month before my fifteenth birthday, I stood in the bathroom with the scissors and I caught sight of myself in the mirror. I had bruises on my arms from where Sol had pinned me down earlier, a hand imprint on my cheek from where Mam had had a go when she got home from work and my arms looked like a train track and I thoughtwhy the hell am I still here?They’d gone to the pub so I shoved some essentials and my photo album in my backpack along with anything I thought I might be able to sell. Mam kept her loose change in one of those huge whisky bottles so Iraided that and left. I had nowhere to go but I didn’t care. All I cared about was getting out of there.’
‘And that’s when you made your way down to Whitsborough Bay?’
She nodded. ‘It took a couple of years before I made it here – spent weeks in so many other places on my way – but I got here eventually because it was the only place I could remember ever being happy.’
‘I’m so sorry that happened to you. Nobody should ever be subjected to anything like that.’
‘No, they shouldn’t, but there are lots of bad people in the world. Lots of good ones too, though, like you and Jed, Jim, Esther and the other librarians…’
‘Did you ever tell anyone what happened?’
‘You’re the first. I’ve thought about reporting them – even thought about it when I was with the police on Saturday – but it’s too late now.’
‘It’s never too late, Zoe. Why should they get away with it, especially Sol? Why should they live their lives with no repercussions? Do it to someone else, perhaps?’
Zoe looked uncertain and I feared I might lose her if I went on too much. Besides, it felt hypocritical to push Zoe when I’d never reported Leanne and Garth.
‘You’ve got to do what’s right for you and I’ll support you whatever you decide. We can put your mother and Sol aside and purely focus on the self-harming for now if that’s what you want. I know none of this can be easy to relive.’
‘It wasn’t quite as hard to tell you as I thought it might be. I’d already decided I was going to.’ She glanced down at her arms. ‘I don’t want to do this to myself. I haven’t felt the need while I’ve been here but I can’t sleep on your sofa forever.What happens then?’
‘This is your home for now so don’t worry about that part. I don’t know much about self-harming myself but I will say what your sister said – if you feel the urge, talk to me first. Promise?’
‘I promise.’
‘We can do some research together and get you some help from people who do know. You’re not on your own with this. You’ve got me and, together, we’ve got this.’
Tears trickled down Zoe’s cheeks once more but she assured me they were tears of gratitude that I’d listened and believed and that I’d kept reaching out to her even though she’d repeatedly pushed me away.
‘I told you when we first met that I had this feeling in my gut that I might be able to make a difference to you. I hadn’t a clue what that would look like but I think this might be the start of it.’
She smiled through her tears. ‘It feels like it.’
Zoe wanted another bath and I was watching television with Hercules when she returned wearing pyjamas with her long hair tied up in a messy bun on the top of her head.
‘I’d forgotten how much I love baths,’ she said. ‘It’s always been showers in the hostels so this is such a luxury for me. I had to really force myself to get out.’
‘Never any pressure from me,’ I said. ‘You soak for as long as you want.’
She sat down at the end of the sofa. ‘I did some thinking while I was in the bath. You know that job you offered me. Can I take you up on it now?’
My heart leapt. ‘Of course you can.’
‘I don’t know if I’ll be any good. Your coffee machine looks intense.’
