‘I’m not saying it’s a categoric no,’ I concluded. ‘If you want more kids, I think it’s important we talk about it and do what’s right for both of us. So what’s your preference?’
I held my breath, hoping it wouldn’t be that he wanted a baby with me. It would be so much easier if we were both of the same mind from the outset as it wasn’t something that could be compromised on – it was either have a baby or don’t.
Jed squeezed my hand. ‘When we got together, I promised I’d always be honest with you and my true and honest thought is that, much as I love the idea of us having a child of our own and much as I would wholeheartedly throw myself into being a new dad if you wanted a baby, I’d prefer not to start over.’
I exhaled slowly, feeling somewhat weak with relief. ‘You promise you’re not just saying that?’
‘Honesty always,’ he said. ‘Being a parent is hard – rewarding but hard. You effectively put your own life on hold – or at least parts of it – for a couple of decades. Now that the girls are in their late teens, they don’t need me so much. They have their own lives and they want to go on holiday with friends or boyfriends instead of with me so now it’s my time to do the things I want. Of course, there’ll always be moments when they need me like when Erin was poorly last month, and I’ll be there like a shot. But most of the time, they’re doing their own thing and I want to do mine which means time in my studio, building my business and, most importantly, being with you.’
‘That’s such a weight off me. I hadn’t realised how worried I was about it.’
‘You can talk to me about anything, you know. We’re in this together.’
I hugged him tightly, so grateful for how understanding hewas being. He could have been annoyed that I’d been thinking about this for a while and hadn’t confided in him.
‘So we’re agreed?’ I said. ‘We’ll give the sleepless nights and dirty nappies a miss?’
‘For a child of our own, yes, but you don’t get off scot-free. Grandparent duty might kick in. Hopefully not in the next few years but you never know.’
‘Grandparents? Does that scare you?’
‘Terrifies me! It seems like only yesterday that I brought them home from the hospital.’
Jed put his arm round me and I rested my head against his shoulder. I could imagine what a special moment that had been for him. If life had taken a different turn, perhaps it was something I’d have experienced but the path I was on now felt like the place I was always meant to be and the decision not to try for a family was the right one for us both.
‘I would still like children in my life, though,’ I said. ‘Just older ones – teenagers ideally…’
I shared my desire to help troubled teens like Zoe even though I had no idea what that might look like at the moment. Jed smiled as I finished.
‘You really are the most outstanding woman I’ve ever met,’ he said, referencing my award. ‘I don’t know what that would look like either but, if you’re looking for a teammate, you can count on me.’
As we kissed, I had no doubts whatsoever about that. I could count on Jed for anything and he could do the same for me. We were a team, united forever.
26
JED
‘Two mornings in a row waking up next to you,’ Tara said, smiling at me the following morning. ‘I could get used to this.’
‘Me too. Good morning!’
I wished we could start every day like this. I was conscious we needed to discuss living arrangements at some point but there was something I wanted to do first and I needed a little more time for it. Besides, last night’s conversation about babies was serious enough for one weekend and I couldn’t imagine Tara would want another deep conversation today.
‘We’d better think about getting up and sorted,’ Tara said. ‘Don’t let me forget to pick up the flowers from Seaside Blooms.’
We’d been invited for Sunday lunch with Tara’s parents in their new rental property. In early December, they’d taken a lease on a holiday cottage in a village south of Whitby but the owner had a longstanding booking from a regular visitor for the February half-term so they’d needed to move out. Fortunately she’d just finished refurbishing another property in the same village so they’d moved into that on a month-by-month rental.
‘I wonder if my parents will also be able to read me like a book,’ Tara said.
‘As long as they don’t produce a box of condoms with a Post-it note on, I think we’ll be fine. Still can’t believe Lucy did that.’
‘You’re looking well, Mum,’ Tara said as Kirsten arranged the flowers in a vase in the kitchen.
‘I’m feeling great. I had a couple of tired days after we moved, but I swear the sea air has done wonders for my recovery.’ She cocked her head to one side. ‘You’re looking remarkably well too. There’s a glow about you.’
Tara glanced at me and we both laughed.
‘Am I missing something?’ Kirsten asked.
