The man really missed his calling because he should have been a therapist. His words trigger something inside me.
Vulnerable, I put my hands down and look openly at my friend of ten years. I know my eyes are sad as I meet his wise gaze. He's the only one I trust enough to open up like this.
“I can’t enjoy it, man,” I admit, shrugging heavily. I fight against heaving, trying to catch my breath and talk at the same time. “Even when they give themselves over, I don’t like it. It doesn’t feel right…and I don’t like to feel like I’m taking advantage of them. And that’s always how my mind ends up taking it. When I force myself to be intimate with another personjust because, it feels almost like I’mrapingher because I’m using her body, and I don’t even want to.” Chest rising and falling heavily, I put my hands on my hips and look away from my friend. “My mind just won’t let me enjoy it.”
Johnathan blinks at me for a second before leaning on the rope. "So….have you always been this way?"
I nod, fighting back the feeling of not wanting to be judged. "I've always been this way." Never one for casual sex. Always needing that emotional connection first before I gave my body over to someone. Even with Hannah, the minute our emotional connection severed, so did our sex life. There's a label for what I am: demisexual.
Feeling too bared, I look away, relieved to see our audience is gone.
"Hmm," Jonathan hums, standing to his full height. He doesn't speak, though; he lets me have my thoughts.
"I know it's not the most manly thing to admit, and I'll probably lose some major masculine points, but soul ties are averyreal thing. I see people come in all the time needing to be medicated half out of their mind in order to deal with thetrauma of having a sexual relationship with someone they had no business being with." I bring my gaze back to him, seeing him staring, giving me his full attention. "And I don't want that for myself.”
Johnathan looks me up and down with an assessing gaze. “That’s interesting. I respect that completely, my friend, and thanks for sharing that with me. So, you’re just going to be celibate?”
“I’m going to have to be."
"Sounds reeaaal depressing."
"Sex is not abouthappiness,"I snap back, shooting him a look. "It's much more than that. It's an exchange of the bodies. Anintimatemeeting of the souls. So no," I hold up a hand and shake my head. "I can’t mentally handle fucking a woman who I don’t want to fuck just for the sake of it. That’s a disgusting feeling.”
"I get it, but celibacy is a lonely journey." Nowhiseyes turn sad as he references the time he'd spent mourning after his late wife passed, before he found Vanessa. And in this moment, I realize he understands me a lot more than I originally gave him credit for. "It's been lonely for you?"
I nod somberly. "Of course."
"Yeah, I bet." He clears his throat hard as he glances away, contemplating. "Well. All I can say is it's lonely, untilit's not."
I feel chills race down my body and my mind pivots. “That's okay. I’ll just spend my time fucking upyourbody until I find the right woman to fall into," I joke, needing to lighten the conversation.
Johnathan puts his fists up. "Sounds good to me. And mad respect, brother. Let’s do what I pay you to do.”
He decides to give me what I need and grunts as he makes contact with my chest hard enough to send me reeling backwards. Elated, I lunge back. We continue to spar for another hour. And when we're done, sporting bruises, exhaustedexpressions, and thoroughly worn out, Johnathan writes me a ten-thousand dollar check for my services.
He pays me this three times a week, but tonight, I refuse, shaking my head when he tries to hand me the slip of paper.
"No, man, that's alright. Thank you, but I can't accept payment tonight. You did me a favor. I think I needed this way more than you did." I hold my hand out for him to shake; however, he just grins at me as he places the check in my hand anyway and then leans forward to clap me a couple times on my back. It's the firstalmost hugI've had inmonths. Other than my sister, Aurora.
Rolling the windows down, I take my time driving home, feeling better than I have in months. I finally let myself accept the truth that I'd told Johnathan. I'll wait if I have to, and in the meantime, I pray for the right person to enter my life. I deserve it.
Albeit true, that's a fact that's a little harder to accept.
Chapter seven
Different
Thenextcoupleofdays fly by in a blur, and before I know it, it's Thursday evening.
I'm anxiously awaiting my scheduled apartment tours this weekend. I received a phone call from another building this morning, wanting me to come in for a surprise tour that I was thankfully able to squeeze in about twenty-five minutes from the office. However, this apartment is a luxury one bedroom on the third floor of an apartment building. It has two strikes against it: I needtwobedrooms, and it was too expensive.
I get out of the office a little earlier than usual and decide to treat myself out to dinner at a nice restaurant across town. My mouth waters in response to Bumpy's incessant demand for fried chicken. I smile brightly at the waitress when I slide in a dimly lit booth, ordering the two of us our favorite fried chicken salad, happy that at least we have each other.
Though right now it's lonely, and probablylooksas lonely as it feels, it's just not worth it to go home and have to look at Brandon for a few hours before bed. So I pull out my tablet and begin to go over notes for work, relieved there are no more emails from Dr. Richardson.
As I work, it hits me that I haven't heard from my dad in a while.
My heart tugs as those wishes and dreams wither just a little bit more. There was a time I'd kill to be a daddy's girl, but now, it seems like wanting it is starting to kill me. Stirring my salad, I shove that hurt into the place where I store my feelings about Brandon and commence to letting them die together. It'll hurt, until it doesn't. And I'm determined to get to the place where it doesn't hurt anymore. Because right now I feel like every hope and dream I'd ever held close to my heart has been cruelly ripped away, leaving a giant void where love and contentment should be.
