Maybe because I've been drowning in it.
I'm silent for a few seconds, not knowing what to tell her… or how much to tell her.
"I thought things were going well with your wife." She takes another sip, her eyes watching me intently.
"It's… complicated."
"Complicated my ass, Enzo!"Mamanrolls her eyes at me, emptying the cup and slamming it down on the table with resounding force. "What did you do? Out with it!"
"I made her hate me," I admit with a sigh, and the memory of Allegra on the ground, her big eyes looking at me with such disappointment, makes my heart squeeze painfully in my chest.
I never wanted her hate. Yet it seems I'm bound to have it if I want her to be happy… safe…
"Why on earth would you do that?Mon Dieu, Enzo!" She looks at me, horrified, and her expression echoes how I feel inside.
I'd gotten so used to being with Allegra… talking to her, touching her.
"I froze up…" I admit, lowering my gaze. "She said something that reminded me of…" I trail off, butMamanpicks up on it immediately.
"Enzo,mon fils, not all women are like your mother."
"I know that," I say with a wry smile. "Allegra is unlike anyone I've ever met. She's just… special."
Her smile, her warmth, how she'd made me look forward to waking up in the morning.
"Then why don't you tell her what happened? Open up to her? I'm sure she'd be understanding."
I take a deep breath.
"I think I broke her heart,maman, and I'm not sure she's ever going to forgive me."
"Enzo…"mamanleans back, her lips pursed, and I finally let all my worries spill.
"I need to keep her at arm's length. Catalina's rape… Romina's death… it all happened to people I vowed to protect. I can't fail her, too." I look away, the pain threatening to spill.
"Mon Dieu,"mamancrosses herself, "tell me you don't actually believe it wasyourfault. You couldn't have done anything to prevent those horrible things from happening."
"Maybe I could have…"
"Enzo!" Suddenly standing up, she plants herself in front of me, lifting my jaw so I can look her in the eye.
"After everything that happened, life gave you a woman who by all accounts is your match in every way. Why would you alienate her when I can see the pain in your eyes as you say her name?Mon fils, one thing I've learned in my life… Good people don't come by easily. And when they do, you hold on to them against all odds. Now get out of here and go apologize to your wife. Maybe she'll still have you."
She doesn't leave room for argument as she turns her back to me, taking a seat by the window.
I gather my ruffled coat and head out, almost dreading going home.
It's been so long since I've remembered those days of my childhood so clearly.
Childhood…
I almost laugh at the notion. I stopped being a child the first time Mother touched me inappropriately.
Yet, for all my enthusiastic immersion in the mob, for all the people I killed… she still lives.
I was thirteen the first time I tried to kill her, only to be interrupted by my little sister crying for her mother.
I was fourteen the second time. I'd just learned how easy it was to pull the trigger and watch someone's soul exit their body.And yet, as I held the gun to her sleeping form, I couldn't bring myself to do it.
