Everything is wrong.
"Isn't this pretty?Mamma made it especially for me. No other girl has one like it." Lina preens around in her new dress, twirling in front of me with a huge smile on her face.
I, too, force a smile, even though the mention of Mother is enough to make me want to barf.
"You look like a princess, Lina," I compliment her, and she basks in the attention, taking me by the hand to show me her doll collection. I listen carefully, and when she asks me to play with her, I don't have the heart to deny her.
We spend the entire day with her dolls, putting them through different scenarios. While the activity itself is not for me, the sight of Lina smiling so heartily is the only thing that matters—because she's the only one who can make me happy.
It's late at night when I dread what's coming. I close my eyes and pretend I'm asleep.
Mother's visits aren't daily. I've even noticed that she doesn't have a certain pattern; her arrivals are whimsical. I've tried to make sense of them, to prepare myself, but it always ends up taking me by surprise.
Like tonight.
For the first time this week, she comes, fitting her body close to me, her hot breath in my ear. All this time and my acting's still strong. She still thinks I'm sound asleep, and so she's free to do whatever she wants with my body.
Most times she just borrows my fingers, using them to stroke herself to what I've come to know as climax. She whispers, as she pants, my fingers deep inside her body, that only I can give her what she craves, that only with my touch can she experience heaven.
But there are also times when she does more.
Like tonight.
I can feel it in the way her hands move lower, past the waistband of my pajama bottoms and inside my underwear. Shewraps her hand around my penis, her touch soft yet invasive, her caresses not unpleasant yet revolting.
I don't know what she intends to achieve by this. Her fingers wrap themselves around my flesh, the thumb circling the head of my penis. She keeps on jerking her hand up and down, and the movements make it hard for me to pretend I'm asleep.
"Come, my little boy," her voice is melodiously low. "Let me make you feel good, Enzo." Her words, just like her actions, are foreign to me.
Because no matter what she does to me, it never feels good.
AGE TWELVE
Some people grow up fearing the monsters under the bed. I grew up fearing the one in my house.
It's hard to believe Mother doesn't realize I'm awake the whole time she's there…touching me. But if she did, she never let on.
At night she was one person, but during the day she was a completely different one. In the dark I was the object who gave her pleasure, while during daylight I was the handsome son she could proudly show off to the world.
But something started changing.
I'd see it in the slight narrowing of her eyes as someone stared at me or praised me too much, or in the way she'd curse the girls at my school who dared give me attention.
I was meant to be hers—only hers.
"Take my hand, Lina." I stretch my hand in front of her as we get out of the car.
My older sister, Romina, is getting married today, and the entire family is attending.
I hold on to Lina and we make our way inside the venue.After the church ceremony, the celebration is to continue with more food and drink. But considering how many strangers are around, I'm not about to leave Lina alone even for one moment.
I, better than anyone, know what the adults are capable of, and I'd rather die than have the same thing happen to my little sister.
She gives me a smile and we continue inside, taking our designated seats.
Romina looks incredibly happy as she gazes at her husband, Valentino. While theirs is an arranged marriage, they've developed feelings for one another during their courtship. Romina would often joke that it had been love at first sight. But as I look at their interactions, how Valentino is twirling her on the dance floor, their love feels very real indeed.
"You'll see when you find someone who lights up your entire world," she'd gush, trying to explain the feelings that Valentino awoke in her.
