“You said you were going to quit. What changed your mind?”
“Originally, it was when I saw my pay stub in my inbox. But what really solidified it was those boxes.” She motions to the small pile at the corner of the bed. “Those arrived today, and I was thinking back to when I was packing them. I was so excited to experience something new. Still nervous about how it would turn out, but I was open to new experiences, and it felt right. Coming here to discover a little bit of who I might be away from everything I know somehow seemed important, and I decided that I don’t want to give that up just because I’m scared or ashamed or am having difficulty adjusting.”
“So you’re staying then?” Even I hear the hopeful thread to my voice. I tell myself it’s just because I want to be able to carry out my plan, but I can’t entirely push away the thought that I may be lying to myself.
She nods. “After my mom died, all I remember is how sad my dad was. I was young, but all I wanted was for him to be happy again, and it seemed like that was never going to happen. I worked so hard to make sure I was never a problem and never gave him anything to be upset about. Then Carla came into our lives, and I saw him start to come around. Then finally, he was like his old self. I didn’t want to rock that balance, so I kept striving to be everything they wanted me to be, but I’m just now realizing that I never stopped to ask myself whoIwanted to be.”
The mention of my mother’s name feels like shards of glass in my throat, and it takes me a moment to respond.
“You’re a good person, Hattie.” Despite myself, I mean the words. “But you can’t live your life to please everyone else. You’ll never really be happy that way. You need to be whoever is going to make you happy. And the only way to do that is to jump in and try new things and see how you feel.”
She thinks over my words and nods slowly. “I think maybe you’re right.”
I squeeze her hand, rubbing my thumb back and forth. I don’t miss the way she sucks in a breath.
“I look forward to seeing who you become.” I’m unable to stop the grin that spreads on my face. I just hope it doesn’t look too feral.
“Thank you for listening. You’re really good at that.”
“I’m here for you whenever you need me. In whatever capacity you need me.” I keep rubbing my thumb over her knuckles and maintain our eye contact.
It would be so easy to kiss her. As our gazes hold, we both inch forward a bit. Her gaze dips to my mouth, and she licks her lips. We drift another inch closer, the rope between us taut with sexual tension.
Our lips are an inch apart when I wait for her to take the leap, then a buzzing sound rips through the sexual haze like cymbals crashing in an orchestra.
Hattie bolts up from the mattress, appearing a little frantic as she searches for her phone.
It’s on the other side of me on the mattress, so I reach for it to pass it to her. The name Mom flashes on the screen.
She takes the phone from me and glances at it. “That’s my mom. I’d better take it.”
I stand stiffly, annoyed that Carla is fucking with my plan. Then again, maybe she did me a favor. When I was leaning in for that kiss, I wasn’t at all thinking of the game I was playing with Hattie. I was motivated by pure animal instinct.
“I’ll leave you be.” I smooth my tie down my chest before I turn and leave the room.
Next week, it’s time to move forward with my plans for Hattie, helping her discover who she can be out from under the confines of her never-ending morals.
23
HATTIE
By the time I fall into bed on Saturday night, I’m exhausted.
Bastion made good on his promise to show me around the city today. We went up to the top of the Space Needle, he took me to the Pike Place Market, and we had a private tour through the Museum of Pop Culture, which was really cool. It was a jam-packed day full of new and interesting things.
But the whole time, I couldn’t stop thinking about our almost-kiss the day before. At least, that’s what I think it was. I’m not the most skilled or experienced person when it comes to that sort of thing, but I swear if my mom’s phone call hadn’t interrupted us, we would have kissed.
What I’m still trying to sort out is how I feel about that.
In the moment, I only felt disappointed by the interruption. But that’s horrible because he’s my boss and much older and more experienced than I am. But then I think about what he said about discovering who I am without the confines of all the barriers I’ve grown accustomed to, and I feel disappointmentagain. My head is in a vicious cycle of wanting one thing, feeling bad about it, and then wanting it again.
Was Bastion right that sexuality is just a part of life and I owe it to myself to discover what role it plays in my own life without feeling ashamed?
I still hadn’t figured it out by the time I went to bed, and what made it even more confusing was that Bastion had been completely platonic with me all day. Not that I want him to maul me in front of other people, but there was no sign of any attraction to me at all. Maybe he regretted what had almost happened, and for him, the phone call interruption was a good thing.
When my eyes snap open and the room is dark, it takes me a moment to realize what woke me. Then I hear it again—hoarse screams coming from down the hall.
Heart racing, I whip the covers off me and rush down the hallway. It sounds as if it’s coming from Bastion’s bedroom. I whip the door open.
