“When did it start?” I clear my throat. “When did you start using? I only ever remember you like that.”
She cringes and closes her eyes for a moment. “A couple years after you were born. I won’t make excuses, but it started with me wanting to forget what it had been like for me growing up. My…” Carla draws in a deep breath as though the next part is hard for her to say. “My father sexually abused me as a child. He was abusive toward my mother too. The memories would creep up, and I just wanted them to go away. I thought if they did, I could be a better mother to you. Obviously that plan didn’t work out the way I hoped.”
The corner of my mouth lifts.
“I grew addicted pretty much right away and deteriorated from there. I’d drink when I couldn’t get my hands on drugs. A lot of that time I don’t even remember. I think of what you probably had to witness, and I just—” A sob unleashes from her chest. It’s filled with so much pain and despair that it’s difficult to listen to.
Despite myself, I squeeze her shoulder while she cries, feeling once again like that little boy who wants his mom to be happy.
After a minute, Carla wipes her face that’s blotchy now from all her crying. “I know that words are not enough, and I can never take back what I did to you, but I am sorry, Bastion. I am so sorry for the pain I caused you.”
I didn’t think her words would do anything to heal me, but to my surprise, they ease some of the ache in my chest.
“When Robert and Hattie came into my life, I saw it as a second chance to do right. But don’t think for a moment that there was ever a day, an hour, that I didn’t think of you or wonder if you were okay. I did.” Her voice is a hoarse whisper.
A part of the rip in my soul stitches together. The thread is fragile, the stitch loose, but it’s more than I’ve ever had.
I sit with her words for a moment, my elbows resting on my knees, staring at the floor. She lets me. Not pressuring me to say anything, allowing me to work at my own pace.
Eventually, I lift my head and meet her watery gaze. “I didn’t know until very recently that you ever came after me. I thought I’d left and you didn’t think twice about me.”
She appears heartbroken, the lines in her face deepening.
“Why did you leave me with him? Why didn’t you try harder?”
She heaves out a sigh. “I considered it. But the things he said… he was right. I didn’t deserve you. All I’d done was cause you pain, and I believed him when he said you didn’t want to see me. A couple of days after I first confronted him, I went back there and I watched you leave with a little girl who I suspect must be his daughter. You two walked down to the park, and you were having so much fun. Laughing and smiling. I couldn’t remember the last time I saw you that happy. I figured you were better offwith him than with me because back then, even I wasn’t one hundred percent convinced I wouldn’t relapse. I’d done so much wrong by you that I figured it was the one thing I could do right.”
“Guess we’ll never know.”
She shakes her head. “No, we won’t.”
I remember that first year and how much I missed her even as I resented her for making me leave. But I also remember the laughs and fun I had with Ariana.
“How did you find me then?” It’s something I’ve wondered since Trent told me.
She gives me a small smile. “Do you remember that waitress who took a liking to you at the diner down the street? When you first went missing, I went in there looking for you. I was in there weeks later, and she told me that she’d seen you come in with Trent. Guess she knew him.”
“Yeah, she was always nice to me. Sometimes she’d give me free food when I went in there.”
Carla looks stricken by my words.
“I don’t say that to hurt you.”
“I know, just the truth hurts.”
I sigh. “If we’re going to try to have any kind of relationship for Hattie’s sake, we’re going to need to be able to talk about this stuff without worrying what the other one might think.”
“Bastion, you can say whatever you need to say to me. I mean that. It will hurt, but you don’t need to protect me. Lord knows I didn’t protect you when I should have.”
I look at the floor for a moment. There’s not much to say to that, is there? When I straighten, I sigh and push both hands through my hair, unsure where we go from here.
“What was it like being with Trent? I asked Hattie, but she would only say that it was your story to tell if you wanted to.”
I can’t help the small smile that forms on my face. That’s my girl, always looking out for me.
“That’s a story for another time.” I’m not about to spill my life’s secrets to this practical stranger.
She looks a little disappointed, but I can’t find it in myself to care.
