“Hattie, honey, come out from under the covers.” My mom’s hand lands on the comforter over my shoulder.
I wonder if my father is in the room too. When I pull the covers from over my head, it’s only her.
Tears swim in my mom’s eyes as she looks at me. “I’m sorry.”
That’s it? That’s all she has to say? I’m not even sure what she’s apologizing for exactly. Does she know what she’s apologizing for?
I clear the hoarseness from my throat from crying so long. “I don’t understand how this can be true.”
My mom sits on the edge of the bed and runs her palm down my cheek like she’s done so many times in my life. She sighs and swallows. “I’m not sure what Tyler… er… Bastion told you, but whatever awful things he told you are probably true. The truth is that there’s a lot I don’t remember from those days. I suppose I’m lucky that way, unlike him.”
Her face is filled with such unbearable pain that I sit up and draw her into a hug. She’s tense at first but relaxes into my hold, shuddering out a breath, gripping me harder, and squeezing me as if she didn’t know if I would forgive her.
When I pull away, I meet her gaze. “How did you know he was your son?” The word son tastes bitter on my tongue.
My mom’s bottom lip shakes. “The heart-shaped birthmark on his back. I’ve never forgotten it. Because you didn’t know about my past, you probably assume I didn’t give any thought to Tyl… Bastion, but I’ve thought about him every day. Every prayer I say at night, he’s included. I failed him once, but I’ve never stopped thinking about him, wondering about where he was, if he washappy, praying that he found happiness somewhere, even if it wasn’t with me in his life.”
Tears topple one another on her cheeks, and she buries her head in her hands. It’s so hard to reconcile what she’s admitting to me and what Bastion told me about his mother with the version of the woman sitting in front of me. I question whether I’ll ever be able to because she was the perfect mother to me, even though she didn’t give birth to me.
I don’t say anything as I try to work it out in my head.
“I realize this must have come as a big shock to you. Is there anything you want to know?”
I guffaw. “Why were you like that? I mean, I can’t even picture it. All the things Bastion told me about his mom and growing up…”
She cringes, shame coating her features. Then she tells me about her childhood and how she grew up. The first time she tried drugs and found her escape. The things she used to do to support her drug habit. From the reality she describes, I don’t think she holds back, and as I picture a young Bastion living through the unstable upbringing of his mother being an addict, my heart breaks a little more. By the time she’s done, my heart is left in shards, draining me from the inside out.
I’m quiet again, taking in everything she said. The thing I hate the most is that I can almost understand why Bastion would be out for revenge. To be exposed to and suffer through what he did… it’s unthinkable.
God, he must have hated me when he found out about his mother adopting me as her own. The perfect daughter who seemingly grew up with the perfect life when all he’d ever known was misery…
I squeeze my eyes shut, and a lone tear escapes. I’m surprised. I didn’t think I had any more left.
“When did you get clean? What happened?” I open my eyes, and a part of me wants to tell my mom not to bother telling me. I can see how painful it is for her to talk about her past, but I need to know everything. So much was kept from me. Now I want the truth.
“After Bastion left, I hit rock bottom. He was the only thing keeping me afloat, and I know how that sounds, I do, given what he was exposed to. But I knew that if I continued down the path I was on, I would die. And the thought of not getting a chance to make it up to him… I couldn’t live with it. So I found a program through a local church to help me.”
Realization hits me, and I blink. “That’s where you met Dad.”
I remember him talking about an outreach program in Chicago that he was a part of before we moved to Tennessee, where I was raised.
She nods solemnly. “It is. At first there was nothing between us. Your mother was still alive then. But he was a steady presence in my life as I fought my demons and tried desperately not to go back to that dark place. After your mother passed, we grew closer. We bonded over the pain of losing someone. I believe that God brought us together for a purpose. There’s no way I would have ever been able to stay healthy if it weren’t for your father. He means everything to me.”
I know she means it. And I know she loves me. But they both lied for so long.
“Why didn’t you ever tell me?”
She winces at the hurt and accusation in my voice. Her lips tremble as she reaches for my hand. “Because I didn’t ever want you to look at me the way you are right now.”
I feel guilty that I can’t just tell her it’s okay, no big deal, and move on, but I know it’s going to take some time to come to terms with everything.
“I’m sorry that you got mixed up in this, that Tyl… Bastion… hurt you because I hurt him.”
I give her a small nod. I’m not ready to talk about him yet.
“When your dad and I returned from my appointment and I saw the birthmark, I thought it was some unlikely coincidence. But when you first introduced me to him, I had this uneasiness in my gut. His eyes…”
I nod. “Yours.”
