Something that I didn’t want to label, because to call it what it was would be the end of it. That’s the way it always happened for me. Right when things felt perfect, the universe was ready to yank the rug from under your feet and send you ass over head.
My brothers and father seemed to be the exceptions, but I knew my track record too well to think I’d be joining their ranks. It actually had me on edge for the past few days because every time I let myself think about how good things were, it just made me more wary of the shoe that was probably about to drop. I didn’t know what form it would take, and that had me braced for disaster at every turn.
I thought we might have gotten there the other day, when it sounded like Nina had gone behind my back to arrange to unload Noah on Josie for the day. It had reminded me way too much of Gretchen, of how she always wanted to “surprise” mewith some last-minute plan for either the two of us or for Noah that meant she could avoid ever having to pass more than a minute or two with him. Thanks to her, I was now hypersensitive to the suggestion that anyone might try to keep me from spending time with my son.
An outing like this one—taking Noah to the park and watching him play, cheering him on—never would have happened with Gretchen. I was safe on that front. Whatever it was that would cause my relationship with Nina to splinter apart, at least I’d learned from my past mistakes.
Nina walked back scrolling through her phone. She was so fucking beautiful, even with her bedhead ponytail and no makeup. I started to stiffen when I remembered the reason why her ponytail was so messy: she’d put her hair up, ready to go, and I’d grabbed the end of it to lead her back to bed.
“Oh my God, give me my Pulitzer now, because look at this shot.”
Nina dropped down beside me on the bench. She handed me her phone to show me an image of Noah with his head thrown back and eyes closed, laughing as the little girl twirled him around. The morning light was a paid actor in the image, basking the kids in a warm glow.
“It’s really good,” I said.
“Thanks. I took a bunch, scroll through.”
I dragged my finger along the screen, pausing to take in the pure joy in each shot.
Thiswas how childhood was supposed to be. Finally.
I kept scrolling until I got to a screenshot.
“What’s this?” I asked, squinting to read the cheerful blue font. The image showed a group of kids holding up sketchpads. “Comix Camp?”
Nina perked up. “Oh yeah, I’ve been meaning to tell you about it. Grace from marketing mentioned it to me when we were at the office. It’s a camp in Santa Monica for kids who like drawing comics. It sounds like it’s perfect for Noe. I think he’s ready, especially if we can get Liam to go too.”
My pulse picked up as she described her plans.Herplans, like I didn’t have a voice in my son’s life. Like I was just supposed to hop on board with the idea of sending my son away.
I’d been through this before.
“It’s filling up quickly, so we should probably make a decision like, yesterday,” Nina continued. “It’s not cheap, but I get why the price is so high, because they have all of these famous authors come in to do sessions for the kids. Brian Cantwell is leading one, and that’s the author who does that Slimy Kid series. Noah loves those books.”
I found myself fighting off a familiar sinking sensation.
Hadn’t Ijustbeen thinking that I’d learned from my past—that I hadn’t made the same mistake again?
But no, Nina wasn’t Gretchen. She loved Noah, it was obvious. Gretchenpretendedto enjoy being with Noah, but she jumped at any chance to get me away from him.
It had taken me a while to make the connection because Gretchen was excellent at manipulation. And I’d been smitten, at least at first. She made me believe that she wanted to be a part of Noah’s life, which was why I could ignore the obvious redflags. Plus, he was still splitting time between my home and his mother’s, which meant Gretchen and I were able to spend plenty of time alone. She was a good enough actress that I bought her faux-maternal act, until the cracks started to show.
Which was why this conversation was starting to feel unsettlingly familiar.
“Who would’ve thought a book about a boy made of slime would be aNew York Timesbestseller,” Nina mused, completely unaware that I hadn’t said a word.
I balled my hands into fists to try to calm myself. I’d never envisioned that we’d end up here.
“They have day camp and overnight options, and I think he’s ready for overnight. It’s better that way, you know?” she continued. “An immersive experience, plus it’s a major step toward more independence before school starts.”
Independence. Gretchen had used that exact word when she’d encouraged me to set up a sleepover for Noah at Liam’s house. She’d talked it up like a night of junk food and movies with his buddy would be some kind of life-transforming experience for Noah. She’d been furious when I’d refused, insisting that I was stifling his independence by not letting him have a sleepover he’d never even asked for in the first place.
And that had just been one night. This camp was for an entire week.
“But like I said, we need to make a decision quickly,” she continued. “Maybe we can talk to Noah today when we get home, let him check out the website?”
Time pressure—that was smart of her. If there was a sense of urgency then I’d feel the need to act fast, meaning I wouldn’t have long to think it through, to do my own research or even to really process my thoughts on the matter. Gretchen used to do that too.
Nina wasn’t Gretchen. Shewasn’t.But everything she was saying was sounding familiar in the worst possible way. I let her ramble on while I attempted to tamp down my fury into something reasonable. But the longer she went on about the camp, the less possible that felt.
