Because you care. ‘No, of course it’s not a joke,’ I say. ‘I was just thinking of what you said before.Satiating a personal grudge is a pleasure that never lasts. I doubt I’ll ever forgive her for what she did, but she is my mother’s mother. It’s not right for me to take away their chance to say goodbye. I don’t want to look at myself in the mirror and spend my life regretting.’
My refusal agitates him. ‘What about me? My life?’
‘I am sorry I took away your choice. But I can’t regret the fact that you are standing here before me, still blazing with life. Do you regret being alive? Is being vampire so awful?’
His expression shutters.
‘The thing is, I’m vampire, and I enjoy life just fine. Selfish and abhorrent I may be, but it doesn’t negate the fact that Ifeel. Stars and sunrises make my heart sing. I love and grieve and hate. Max, for all his faults, cherishes his existence. You can hate me, blame me, leave me even. I’ll never hold it against you. But, Tony, don’t waste this precious second chance you’ve been given. Live your best life. That’s all I want for you.’
I offer him a sincere smile as I visualise the details of Niang Niang’s Hall of Preserved Harmony and blink.
Tony Lee gapes at the empty space where Lady Jing stood just seconds ago. Emotions flicker across his face – shock, frustration, remorse, confusion. Lord Black strolls towards him.
‘I see Lady Jing has managed to use her dragon pearl,’ the dragon king says.
Tony Lee rounds on him, concern turning to anger. ‘Why didn’t you go with her?’
Disrespectful. But the dragon king merely raises an eyebrow and asks mildly, ‘Why didn’t you?’
Tony Lee doesn’t answer.
‘I normally do not concern myself with mortal—’ – the dragon king corrects himself – ‘non-Celestial affairs, but I am particularly fond of the little fox and do not enjoy seeing her suffer. So I will offer you my wisdom, Tony Lee. In life, there are choices and there arechoices. Some are bounded by social mores, dictated by our beliefs and principles. These are choices between black or white, right or wrong. A maze, where sometimes you can see where your choice leads; sometimes it is a surprise, pleasant or otherwise. However, some choices are not a choice at all but a commandment, one which the heart will not suffer to be ignored.’ The dragon king tilts his head, observes Tony Lee with an uncanny gaze. ‘Last year, when the hulijing matriarch nearly killed you, Lady Jing was ready to forfeit her life so that yours would be spared. She gave no thought to the fact that your mortal life is but a single blink of an eye in the vast span of her immortal years. Whatever the cost, she was ready to pay because you are and remain the first and most important commandment in her heart. Apart from what you have already observed yourself – her loss of appetite, her inability to drink blood, both of which endanger her well-being – what else has she agreed to pay to save you this time?’ Lord Black’s expression remains mild but his gaze burns with rage and warning. Then he dips his chin and is gone.
Foreboding wraps around Tony’s heart like a heavy chain as he realises he should have insisted on accompanying her to Turquoise Hills and wonders what on earth she used to barter for his life.
Forty-Four
Remorse
The dizziness from the shift takes a little longer to abate than when Lord Black shifted us. When I can stand without swaying, I’m thankful the Hall of Preserved Harmony is empty. It’s past noon. If my memory serves, Niang Niang ought be in her room, the one overlooking the lake, eating lunch. I make my way through the pavilions and wisteria-covered walkways towards the highest point of the palace where Niang Niang keeps her quarters. I pass a few courtiers but, like before, they avert their eyes and pretend they don’t see me.
I shove open the heavy silkwood doors and march into her room.
She wears nothing but a pale pink lace bra and a pair of matching panties, sitting before a table laden with delicacies, and sips the peach blossom tears soup she has at every meal. She raises her gaze, but on seeing me her face twists into an ugly sneer. She slams the bowl on the table, splashing soup everywhere.
‘How dare you enter my rooms without permission,’ she snarls.
‘You are lucky I’m here at all. We found my father in the shrine. He was pinned with talismanic daggers.’
She turns away. ‘I have no interest in—’
I raise my voice, keep talking. ‘Can you imagine? He was stillalive.’ It gives me some satisfaction to see her pale at my words. She knows well what those daggers can do. ‘Anyways, we released him from his century of torture. For that alone, I willalways be grateful. I saw her, you know. My mother. She’s been here all along, waiting for my father.’
‘She’s alive? Impossible,’ Niang Niang says, answering her own question. ‘I saw her with my own eyes. They killed her. You’re lying!’
‘There’s no question my mother is dead. It was her ghost I saw.’ I stroll over to the table, inspect the various delicacies as my grandmother tries to decide if I am, in fact, lying.
There are a dozen small dishes: the usual steamed fish with ginger, braised tofu, roasted pigeon, two bowls of quail eggs, one raw the other tea-steeped, the fine-webbed patterns from cracked shells imprinted on their smooth surfaces, plus a bunch of different vegetables, pickled, braised, steamed. There’s also a bowl of crimson yangmei; my mother’s favourite fruit. I pluck one of the dimpled berries and pop it in my mouth.
It bursts with juice; tart and sweet – the first time my mouth has watered for a food in a while. I keep the pit in my mouth to suck it clean, grab two more and shove them in. Between bites, I say, ‘My mom loved yangmei.’
My grandmother stands, chest heaving, and points at the door. ‘You lie. Yaojing do not become ghosts. Get out! You are not welcome here!’
‘Then who would admire your new lingerie? Really perks up your saggy old girls.’ I throw her a squinty smile and mime pushing up my ta-tas. Her face goes pink and shiny. If she were standing, I’m pretty sure she’d stomp her foot. I eat another yangmei. ‘I know what you did. The demon hunter you hired. My mom kept looking for my father. She found the shrine, but the demon hunter killed her.’
Fear makes its home in my grandmother’s shocked gaze. She trembles, then slowly drops into her chair, shaking her head and muttering to herself.
‘My mother died because of you. You as good as killed her.’
