‘Lord Ma told me you are especially well versed in Confucian theory, and that you’re a master when it comes to the Book of Songs.’
‘Lord Ma, praise me?’ I scoff. ‘You’re a rotted liar.’
Lord Aengus’s expression turns solemn. ‘I swear on my honour, Lady Jing. Lord Ma told me you’d mastered the full canon of Ming poetry at sixteen! Most impressive.’
Rotted turds, he’s telling the truth. Too late I remember the Treaty as well as the fact that Lord Aengus is a frequent guest of Queen Mother of the West. She is very protective of her favourites.
Shit sticks.
I drop to my knees and knock my forehead to the ground. ‘Contain my rudeness, esteemed Lord Aengus.’ I bend forward and kowtow twice more.
When I straighten again, Lord Aengus is on his knees as well, facing me.What in the Tian is he doing?
‘Contain my apologies, Grand Princess Overflowing with Sagacity, Noble Lady Hu Xian Jing of the Turquoise Hills, LadyJing of Mount Kunlun!’ he declares, knocking his forehead to the floor with a loudthunk. Waves of golden hair tumble to the ground.
‘Lord Aengus, why are you apologising? I’m the one who gave you insult. I am trying to—’
He cuts me off. ‘This humble one beseeches the most venerable Grand Princess Overflowing with Sagacity, Noble Lady Hu Xian Jing of the Turquoise Hills, Lady Jing of Mount Kunlun to contain my ignorance. This lowly one has cleaned his ears and is ready to receive the teachings of the wise and learned Grand Princess Overflowing with Sagacity, Noble Lady Hu Xian Jing of the Turquoise Hills, Lady Jing of Mount Kunlun!’ He kowtows again with a loud thunk.
‘Contain this unintelligent one’s ignorance!’Thud.‘Allow me the honour of borrowing your light and assisting honourable Grand Princess Overflowing with Sagacity, Noble Lady Hu Xian Jing of the Turquoise Hills, Lady Jing of Mount Kunlun!’Thud.
His big gilded head rises and falls with each kowtow. He’s clearly enjoying this. My temper frays. A curse rises up my throat, but I swallow it back down. One round of kowtowing to the envoy is enough; I want him to accept my rotted apology andmove onalready.
‘Get up,’ I hiss.
He is so enraptured in delivering overly florid apologies he doesn’t hear me. He’s called me a golden lotus, a precious treasure, distinguished, honourable, noble, excellent, and fragrant. He has yet to repeat himself. If I weren’t so annoyed I would be impressed by his verbal acrobatics. At the nextthudI grab a handful of his hair. He stills.
I make an almighty effort to control my simmering temper. Instead of threats, I offer him an incentive. ‘If you promise to acceptmyapology,andstop apologising, I will let you watch me play a round of mahjong.’
He shifts, his hands still on the ground, until one bright blue eye finds me from behind a curtain of golden locks. He nods excitedly. I release his hair, which to my annoyance is as soft as it looks. We both stand, me warily, him practically quivering with anticipation.
I hold up my hand, a defensive move against another round of courtly piss-fart. ‘No speaking. If you utter even a single word, I’ll...’ I scramble for something which will dissuade without breaking diplomatic ties and land on one that gives me hives just thinking about it. ‘I’ll tell Lord Ma to go over the whole of the Confucian Analects with you.’
His grin falters and I crow (silently, of course) congratulating myself on finally finding his weakness. But then his bottom lip wobbles and those wide eyes actually well with tears. The weight of the Treaty hangs over my head; did I go too far?
‘Truly?’ His voice trembles and he sinks to his knees once more. ‘My gratitude has no bounds, most esteemed Grand Princess—’
‘Lady Jing,’ I beg. ‘Please, Lord Aengus, call me Lady Jing.’ My voice sounds as beaten down as I feel.
We stare at each other: Him with such adoration a passer-by would think I’ve blessed him with all the wonders of the universe; me, like he’s shat on my foot. Fat tears roll down his cheeks even though I’m the one who wants to cry in frustration.
‘BenevolentLady Jing’ –thud– ‘gives this unworthy one the highest of honours!’Thud. ‘This unintelligent one borrows your light’ –thud –‘for the benevolence of Lady Jing knows no bounds.’Thud.
He lays prone, forehead on the floor, for some time. I refuse to pull him up, as would be expected after such overblown praise. Instead, I close my eyes and count to ten, and in measured, calm tones I say, ‘Fine. Now please get up and hold your tongue or I’llbe forced to inform Lord Ma you’ve lost all interest in discussing Confucian philosophy.’
This time, he leaps to his feet and stands meek and subdued before me. I’m about to breathe a sigh of relief when his gaze lands on the mahjong table, and his face lights up again.
‘Mahjong! Could I play a round? It looks so fun!’
Queen Mother of the West, save me, I whimper under my breath. I expel a long slow breath, take another deep one and say, very slowly so he absorbs every word, ‘You – are – not – a – minister – only – ministers – may – play – mahjong – here.Dong ma?’
‘Dong, dong, dong,’ he mutters, his enthusiasm dampened. The respite is only for a moment before his eyes light up again. ‘Oh, but this means I can watch everyone play! I can see everyone’s hand, their strategies, intentions.’ He fist-palm salutes and bows so violently I’m forced to hastily retreat a few steps to avoid being whipped by his hair.
The envoy continues to prattle, heedless of whether I wish to listen or not. I wave down a passing attendant. ‘Bring me a bottle of Maotai – wait, make that two.’ I sink into the nearest chair, conceding defeat.
Just then, a familiar and welcome crooked nose pokes around the corner of the outcrop, followed by the rest of Lord Black wearing his usual attire – shabby brown scholar robes. ‘This orphaned one arrives before you unharmed, Grand Princess Overflowing with Sagacity,’ he says, inclining his head.
Lord Aengus stops mid-sentence and gapes. I offer a low bow, glad for the chance to talk to Lord Black. He’s been away the past few months so I haven’t been able to ask him about my dragon pearl.
