‘You lied to me, over and over, Lady Jing. As angry as you are right now, so am I. I feel used. And I didn’t want to ruin Gigi and Ah Lang’s last day in Shanghai.’
‘So you decided ignoring me was the best solution?’
His eyes go hard and I almost step back from the force of his anger. ‘Yes.’ He spits the word out, a bitter seed.
‘Are you—’ I swallow, needing to know and embarrassed by this need. I eventually bite out what I need to say. ‘Are you sorry you kissed me this morning?’
I watch him carefully. There’s a soft flicker in his gaze, but then his expression hardens again. ‘Does it matter? My question to you – did you actually wantmeto kiss you? I think you just wanted to be kissed, and anyone would have done.’
‘That’s not true,’ I whisper.
‘Do you even know what truth is? You’re so habituated to lies, you lie to yourself all the time. You’re like my sister. You only care about whatyouwant, how to get it, and it doesn’t matter how many people you lie to or hurt, so long as you get what you want in the end.’
Tears prick my eyes. I blink them away. I want to shout and scream, kick and slap, even bite him. But all my energy is focussed on keeping the sobs in my throat from escaping, and the tears burning my eyes from falling. The most I can do is shake my head over and over, denying his assessment. And yet, in the darkest corners of my heart, I wonder if he’s right.
‘Lady Jing, look at me,’ he says, his tone soft. He cups my face with his hands, and gently tilts my head, forcing my gaze up. Through my lashes, I see the shadow of stubble on his jaw, his mouth downturned at the corners, his lower lip fuller than the top, until finally, I meet his gaze. His eyes are pools of kindness, sorrow, regret. What I see there is too much; it breaks the dam and I can no longer hold back the sobs.
‘I’m sorry,’ he says. ‘Don’t cry.’
Everything blurs into a mess of colour. I’m hurt and mad. But also, I want very badly for him to kiss me, for us to forget the bruises we’ve inflicted on each other. My hands wrap around his neck, my fingers tangle in his hair, and I pull him towards me. The smell of snowflakes makes my insides tingle. He resists, at first. Then he leans in, drags the tip of his nose along my cheek, presses his forehead to mine. I hear him swallow. He wants this as much as I do. There is no room for lies when we kiss. My lips brush against his, anticipation unfurls in my chest, into my belly, and then...
I am leaning into empty air. Mr Lee is on the other side of the low table, breathing hard. I stand, meaning to go to him, but he steps back, widening our distance. What’s worse is the expression he wears. It’s a mask, distant and formal. I curl in on myself, the ache in my chest making it hard to breathe. It hurts and I reach for the emotion that has always protected me: anger.
‘Words aren’t the only way people lie,’ I spit at him. Surprise cracks his mask, but I don’t give him the chance to speak. ‘You say you wanted to kiss me, but you act like I’m a disease.’
‘I am only concerned for your virtue, Lady Jing.’
‘Virtue?’ The ache in my chest sours then ignites into fury. ‘What sort of dog-fart are you spouting? I’m not suggesting we make babies or even get married. I like kissing you. I like your smell. I like you.’ I try to decipher his expression. Embarrassment, shock, is that fear? Did I get it all wrong? ‘I may have lied about my motivations, omitted some truths, but here’ – I press a hand to my chest – ‘how I feel about you is true. I like you. I thought you liked me too.’
I reach for him across the table, but he turns a shoulder, arm up as if to ward off an attack. My cheeks redden and understanding sinks its claws into my heart. Hefearsme.
‘Haven’t I proven by now that I won’t hurt you?’ My voice cracks.
Mr Lee drops his hands. ‘We are different, Lady Jing. We come from different worlds. I’m mortal. You are a Celestial deity, royalty to the hulijing, and ward to the King of Hell himself. I was only doing my part of the bargain. Yan Luo Wang tasked me with taking care of you. I was carrying out my duty. That is all.’
‘You said we were similar.’ I hate the pleading in my voice. Lady Soo’s words whisper their poison in my ear.No one wants you, mongrel.
He faces me, back straight.I don’t like the look in his eyes. I stumble back, I don’t want to hear what he’s going to say.
‘We are not,’ he says, his voice hard. ‘You are hulijing and vampire. I am yang qi and blood.’
‘But—’
‘It is against your nature. Do you think I don’t know how you pressed your fangs to my neck? That every time you come close to me, you struggle with wanting to feast on my yang qi and the blood from my veins?’
I falter. What is he saying? ‘I never— I would never hurt you—’
‘Maybe not now, but it’s only a matter of time. You cannot hide from your true nature.’
My shoulders roll in, it burns to breathe. I want him to stop but my mouth won’t work. The words won’t come. I hold up my hand to silence him, but he keeps speaking.
‘A deity asked me, a nobody, for a first kiss. What mortal wouldn’t be flattered? What mortal would refuse? But that’s all there was to it. It is a discourtesy to the memory of that kiss to pretend there is anything more between us than that.’ He raises a steely gaze and the determination there makes me flinch. ‘You are inexperienced; you’ve mistaken adventurous curiosity for real regard.’
He might as well have carved out my primordial qi. I try not to blink, but more tears creep down my cheeks. ‘You call me a liar,’ I whisper, the blur of tears muddling him into pools of shadow. ‘But you lied too. Duty over truth.’ I laugh, but the noise I make comes out pitiful and forlorn. ‘You’re such a hypocrite. All of you lied. You all had deals with Big Wang for things you each wanted. What does it matter if you hurt me in the process, so long as you get what you want in the end.’ My vision wavers, black at the edges. I stumble. My hands find the side of the sofa, and I claw the fabric so I don’t sink to the floor. My chest hurts. I sway where I stand.
I am such a fool.
‘Lady Jing? Lady Jing!’ His words sound so far away. Somehow he’s beside me, touching my arm.
