Pablo lay down with a sigh, laying his snout on his huge paws. We sat there, taking it in turns to quench our thirst, while I ran my fingers over Pab’s back, never wanting to let him go.
‘So you’ll stop trying to swap him for a stick?’
Matthias released a tired chuckle, nodding his head as his hair flopped across his eyes.
‘I can guarantee I’ll never make that request again.’
He attempted to pet the wolf’s head. Pab snarled, exposing his fangs as Matthias yanked his fingers back. ‘I’m still a king, you oversized pup. You’d make a fine cloak.’
‘Hey.’ I slapped his arm, and he chuckled, before a dark look passed over his face, and he glanced down at his hands.
‘Walking though those caves, in the dark with nothing but your wolf…’ He swallowed, raising his gaze to mine. ‘Not knowing where my feet would land, if I’d hit a wall…’ He shook his head. ‘You’re a wonder, Sorrow.’
I heaved in a huge breath. ‘I’m not blind though…not yet.’
His fingers laced with mine, sealing the fissure in my chest stitch by stitch.
‘They said if Romero had got a healer in time, it wouldn’t have been so…damaging. But, for whatever reason, he hesitated. Perhaps he thought I’d die and he’d finally be rid of me. By the time the healer came, they couldn’t stop my sight from fading, only slow down the process.’
Tears stung as I focused on our interlocked hands, how his eclipsed mine. He waited, as though he knew how much I needed to say the words.
‘As it was, she managed to reduce the damage behind my left eye, but the right was too far gone. I don’t want to be scared by it. I know my sight will fade. One day, I won’t see the leaves or the birds; I won’t see the faces of the people I love or read the books I adore. I’ve already put away my sketchbooks, the charcoal and paints. It’s the one thing I miss the most.’ I swiped away a stray tear as I recalled the haze of becoming lost with a stick of charcoal or the streaks of thick paint.
‘In a strange way, I’m lucky. I know it’s coming, so I try my hardest to store every detail, every memory for when…’ Sniffing, I ran my thumb over his. ‘I once met an old man who’d lost his sight. He’d had measles as a child. Woke up from a fever into the shadows. He was so cheerful, so positive. I remember listening to the joy in his laugh. Real joy. How everyone gravitated to him, and I realised he wasn’t a blind man. He was a warm, kind, witty soul and that’s what I wanted. I wanted to be Sorrow Villente, researcher, writer…useful. And yes, I’ve been a tad reluctant to accept help on occasion, but I’m learning. I’m growing.’
The pale light illuminated his smile. I narrowed my eyes as the question I should have asked the moment we met again burst out.
‘Why, Matthias?’
His smile faded.
‘Why didn’t you ever come to me after the accident? I woke up and you weren’t there. You were never there, and that hurt more than my shattered bones. It broke me, Matthias. You broke me.’
He took a shuddery breath. ‘Sorrow, I tried. I tried to reach you.’ His voice cracked over his words. ‘But I was a child. A guard found me going into the servants’ tunnels and Romero…he beat me so badly I-I couldn’t even sit down. But I still tried. Every day, every night, I fought so hard to get you, but he always had the upper hand. He told me…told me you hated me?—’
‘That’s not true!’
His eyes flew up to mine, filled with shock, and he pulled me onto his lap, cradling me.
‘But the accident, Sorrow. I caused it. I told you?—’
‘Shut up,’ I yelled, twisting my head to see him better. Shades of ghosts danced through his eyes, the grief and guilt tearing him apart. I placed my hand over his thumping heart and it was instantly covered with his. ‘Iwas the one who rode my horse at the hedge. I was the one taking the risk, and yes, I paid for it, but fuck Matthias, since when did I ever do as I was told?’
His lip trembled as though a thousand emotions flooded through him.
‘Was that why you married me?’ I asked. ‘Because you felt guilty?’
His eyes widened. ‘No, no. I’ve spent eight long years trying to find you. Trying to get you. When I was called back to Asmar, I should have been relieved, proud I’d finally become a king, but I wasn’t. I even put off going home because I wanted you. I asked him for you. Told him I’d bring you back with me, but still that fucker refused to let me see you. Refused to even let me say goodbye. When I left Drufaera, I left my heart and soul behind.’
The clipping of Pablo’s nails receded as he tottered away.
‘Then out of the blue, Enfys sent a letter. I hadn’t heard from her in years, even when my bloody mother tried to arrange an alliance between us. But when I read it, when I knew what he was planning to do…I defied everyone to demand your return and, yes, I lied to him, and I forced you into a marriage and for that, I’ll always carry guilt, but I was ready to defy them all; the Sisters of Evella, The Alliance. Damn, Sorrow, I was ready to anger Vyrus for you.’
My throat tightened as his words struck home and the final crack smoothed. My quivering hands cupped his face, tears flowing down my cheeks. All those years I’d carried this ache.This man, the boy I loved, never abandoned me. A sob escaped as I moved closer, the weak light illuminating his eyes and his truth. He’d never left me, not truly. We may not have shared the same space, but we’d shared the same soul.
We always had.
Always would.
