Not in me.
I sank to my knees and felt fresh tears fall. How was I supposed to rise, to lead, to stand before my people and inspire them to become something greater if . . . if I couldn’t see that greatness in myself?
Tomorrow, IbecameMugen. I wouldn’t simply be her son or the son of the gods or whatever the gods demanded of me. No, the moment the crown touched my brow, I became the Empire—and the Empire became me.
A wave of panic joined the tears, causing my skin to pimple and my heart to quake.
I was so unprepared, so woefully lacking in every possible way.
And yet, Mother had held me just now. She had gazed into my eyes and told me she loved me. When had she last said those words? When I was a child? Yet there was no deception in her gaze, nothing but the frightened, troubled heart of a mother, as she watched her only remaining son go where she could never follow.
Sweet Amaterasu, why was this life so vexing? Why was my path so fraught with—
The door creaked open.
My heart seized as I watched and waited to see what fresh hell the gods laid before me next.
Esumi’s head poked around the thick wood.
“I’m sorry.” He crossed to stand before me. “I heard . . . is she . . .”
“She’ll be all right,” I said, wiping the tears. “You didn’t have to stay.”
“Yes, I did.” He cupped my cheek, his thumb finishing what my own fingers had started. “Are you all right?”
I wasn’t.
I was exhausted and grieving and terrified and overwhelmed.
Tomorrow I would become Emperor. Tomorrow I would stop being human.
“No,” I said honestly. “But I will be.”
He pulled me close, and I let myself lean into him, let myself be held the way Mother had let me hold her. Most of all, I let myself be weak, if only for a moment, because tomorrow I could never be weak ever again.
Chapter 28
Haru
Iwoke alone.
For a moment, I didn’t remember where I was. Then the morning light streamed through the windows, and reality crashed in.
Coronation day.
Esumi had left before dawn, as we both knew he had to. Our relationship was the worst kept secret in the palace, but if the servants had found him in my bed the night before my coronation, the scandal might have destroyed us both before I even reached the throne. Still, waking without him felt wrong, like I’d already lost something I couldn’t name.
I sat up and found a note on the pillow where his head had been.
Heika,
You’ll be extraordinary. I believe in you. I love you.
Es
Ignoring how he’d so formally addressed me as “Your Majesty,” knowing it to be more of a very Esumi-like dig than a show of respect, I chuckled, folded the note, and tucked it inside my robe, close to my heart. Then I stood, squared my shoulders, and prepared to shed my own skin.
Servants arrived precisely at the Hour of the Rabbit, the same servants who’d dressed me for mourning a day ago. They knew their duty better than I knew my own name, bowing so low their foreheads touched the floor. When they rose, none of them dared lift their eyes. Yesterday, they stared deeply and offered comfort. Today, they feared to meet my gaze.
