“Are you awake?” I asked.
“Haven’t slept,” Theo mumbled in reply.
“What’s up? Are you OK? Did I accidentally hurt you?” I asked.
“No, I feel fine. I feeltoofine,” said Theo, sitting up as he did so. I reached over and switched on the bedside lamp so that we could see one another. He looked adorable, with his blonde hairall messed up, but the dark bags under his eyes were apparent too.
“I’m not following,” I said, reaching out to him, to keep the contact between us even as he felt that little bit more distant.
“Do you know what I do when I do badly in a race?” Theo asked, barreling on before I could answer. “I steal a bottle of champagne from the winners’ table, go back to my hotel room and get drunk by myself in the dark.”
“You punish yourself,” I said. “I understand. I do too.”
“What’s your routine?” he asked.
I hesitated. “I’m better at not punishing myself now. Last year, after everything, I got too self destructive. Too…in my feelings, I think you would say.”
“And what did you do?” Theo scooted closer again, and just knowing I had his attention turned from being so morose made me want to be heist with him.
“Last year? I would run myself a cold bath. Get ice from the hotel, and sit in it until my toes were numb. Until I couldn’t stand it any more. Then I would get out, give myself five minutes to get warm, and do it all over again. Until I ran out of ice.”
“Ouch. Ice baths arenot fun. Necessary though,” Theo grimaced.
“Exactly,Teodoro. I convinced myself that I was recovering my muscles, sharpening my mind. But really, it was just a form of self-harm. I was punishing myself unnecessarily. And I…”
“And you…” Theo encouraged.
“I punished myself for putting you off your game so early on. We both had a bad season after the crash, you were not talking to me…so I used to lay in bed afterwards, and scroll through your social media. The only thing that brought me solace after a bad race was when you did well.”
Theo blushed a dark shade. “I was not as nice. I only ever felt better when you didworse.”
I reached for his hand and then yanked him on top of me, so his face was inches from mine. “You wanted me to lose, little Brit?”
“I wasso angry,” Theo said, but he was grinning now. “I just wanted you punished.”
“You standing feet from me, not talking to me, or touching me. That was punishment enough,” I said. I kissed him gently on the lips. “Why this talk of punishment? Why can’t you sleep?”
Theo sighed. “Because I lost to you today. And rather than punishment, I got bliss. You made me feel like I was celebrating. And that feels wrong.”
“Oh, Teodoro,” I said, holding him closer. “Punishment is self destructive. That is why I cannot allow myself to wallow any more. It doesn’t make you a better driver.”
“But ithas to,” Theo protested. “How do I do better if I’m not pushing myself?”
“Push yourself. Don’t punish yourself,” I replied.
I reached for my laptop where it sat next to the bed and positioned it on my lap, manoeuvring Theo so that he could see it too. I tapped in my password..and immediately lost my train of thought as I remembered what I’d last browsed before the race. I slammed the laptop shut, but I knew it was too late already.
“Was that afan page?” Theo asked. I didn’t look at him, but I could hear the grin in his voice.“Myfan page?”
He reached for the laptop, opened it and then scrolled down the page. “Sebastian, you have an account. This is not just a browse.”
I groaned, covering my face with one hand. “Never talk to me again. I am a creepy, terrible stalker.”
Theo moved my hand from my face, and I saw his was inches from mine again. “I hope you’re not one of the fans who’s requesting my dirty underwear. My manager has blocked so many of them it’s unreal.”
“Teodoro, you left a pair of boxers at my house. I would be a silly man to ask for more. If these fans knew about yourfloor-drobeas you call it, they would be organising to do your laundry for you, not steal your underwear.”
“You bastard. So what were you doing on that account?”
