“Pardon?”
“I…still haven’t. I’m 31 years old and a virgin,” I said.
“No, really?” James seemed incredulous.
“I know, I know. Embarrassing.” I sat back down in Dwynwen’s Window. The sun had dipped below the horizon and it was getting colder.
“Not embarrassing at all,” James said, sitting down next to me. “It’ll happen when it happens…anyway,thatkind of sex isn’t the be all and end all. You were pretty receptive in the cave last night.”
I felt my cheeks warm despite the cold. “Well, when you put it that way…” I remembered how James had looked on his knees for me. I shifted the way I sat. “I just wish I’d had more than quick fumbles in the dark. I’d love to wake up in someone’s arms.”
“That can be arranged…” James grinned. “C’mon, it’s freezing. Let’s go for a walk.”
So we did. We walked all the way along the cliff edge. I pointed out to him the charred spots where teenagers from all the local villages came to light fires, and over the cliff edge where puffins occasionally nested. He asked questions about the area that I did my best to answer, and told me stories of his life back in London I found almost hard to believe. It was hours later and we were lit only by the moon when we circled back to the van.
James pulled his hand from mine and I realised we hadn’t once let go the whole time. “Going to drive me home then, big boy?” he asked.
“Nah, just going to leave you out here with Dwynwen’s ghost,” I said. Dinky whined.
James poked me with one finger until I was backed up against the van. “You better not, the rewards could be great for you if you just do as I say.” He leaned up against me and kissed me deeply. It felt suddenly like the only warm part of my body was my lips.
“Noted,” I muttered. “Let’s go then.”
???
The whole van ride back felt like an age. My foot was vibrating on the pedal and my hand jumping from steering wheel to the gearstick every time I had to make a change. I was making a conscious effort not to put my foot down and speed down the lanes like a madman.
I risked a glance over at James, who seemed to be vibrating on the same frequency as I was. I wanted to reach over and touch him, but knew if I did I wouldn’t be able to contain myself any more.
“Where are we going to…?” I wanted to invite James over to my house, but didn’t want to admit I was still sleeping in mychildhood bedroom, or have him on my parents’ old bed. That would be a real buzz kill for him, I was sure.
“Nain is out for the night,” James whispered, then laughed. “God, I really am like a teenager aren’t I? Sneaking you into my nan’s house for a quickie before she comes home.”
I laughed with him too. Was I being stupid, worrying what he would think of my house then? It didn’t matter, anyway. I drove us up to Glynis’ house. It was dark, and was obvious no one was in. I felt the buzz start up again, if it had even left me.
We walked toward the house together, not quite touching, but our hands kept brushing up against each other and it felt like static electricity.
Dinky whined to remind us she was still there as if trying to kill the moment.
“Put her in the living room,” James whispered as he opened the door with a creak.
“Why are you whispering?” I asked.
“No idea. Just feels like I should.” The house was warm and James shrugged his coat off to hang it in the hallway and I did the same.
I popped the dog into Glynis’ living room and told her to settle on the sofa, then closed the door. James was waiting by one of the doors in the hallway and followed him. As he entered the room, he pulled his jumper off. He hadn’t bothered to turn the light on, so I could just make out that he was wearing a white shirt underneath that I wanted off him immediately. I realised that was within my power if only I could be confident enough.
“Hey,” I whispered. I touched James’ shoulder and he turned. I hooked one finger between the buttons of his shirt and pulled him slightly towards me to kiss him. Once we had started kissing, I tried my best to undo the buttons. My hands were shaking a bit, betraying my lack of actual confidence, but I just kept kissing James till they were all undone.
I hadn’t seen his body properly before, but now seeing it in the dim moonlight filtering through the window I wanted him more than ever. His body was smooth, and he didn’t have much muscle but his arms were wiry. I felt myself exhale slightly as I saw the bruises that still hadn’t actually healed down one side of his body.
“Are you OK to…” I started, but James cut me off.
“I don’t want to think about that right now.”
“Then let me help you forget.” I pushed him back toward the single bed until he was sat on the edge, and I shimmied him out of his jeans. There was a visual bulge in his tight white boxers and I palmed it as I kissed him. James groaned and arched slightly into my touch, so I pushed down slightly rougher and his moans got louder.
James managed to undo my belt one handed and I batted his hand away as soon as he did. “My turn,” I said between kisses.
