“What’s your poison of choice?” he asked.
“Brains bitter, good Welsh beer,” I replied. “What about you?”
“Anything with vodka in it,” he said. His eyes flicked down to the lemonade.
“So why not tonight?” I asked.
James hesitated. “It’s stupid,” he said.
“I promise not to laugh.”
“It’s just…I don’t trust it. Not after what happened on Saturday night.” I realised, then, what the problem was and why he wasn’t drinking. It was hard not to be offended, but I pushed that down because I knew he meant well. And that he had been through a lot.
“Here,” I took the five pound note from my pocket. “I insist on paying as I asked you out, but go and get yourself one from the bar.”
“Thank you,” James said quietly after a moment. He took the five pounds from my outstretched hand and walked over to the bar. I saw him chatting and laughing with Ffion as she prepared the drink and once again pushed the five pound note back to him
He looked happier when he came back to the table and he took a sip of his drink.
“That hits the spot,” he said. “Sorry if I got a bit weird, it’s just…”
“I get it, don’t worry,” I replied. “Don’t stress. I have no ides what I’d be doing in your situation. Probably running around screaming my head off.”
“Nah. You seem like a pretty chill guy,” he said. He took another sip of his drink, and my eyes reflexively dipped to his mouth around the straw. I gulped down my own drink to distract myself.
“You’d think,” I said. “But I think it’s only because I live in the world’s slowest town. I couldn’t cope a day in London.”
“Neither can I,” James chuckled ruefully. “Some days I just want to fly away from there and never go back.”
“So why don’t you?” I asked more forcefully than intended.
“Because…” James hesitated for a second, took another sip. “Because…I want to be successful. To make my parents proud. To earn my way in the world.”
“And you couldn’t do that somewhere else?” I asked. I realised how that might sound to him, so I quickly changed tact. “Not here, I mean. Anywhere but here.”Smooth, stupid.
James took another long sip through the straw, and I looked down at my nails to stop focusing on his lips. He finally spoke, and I looked up at him. “I could, I guess. Just not what my parents would ever have expected of me. Not what I expect of me.”
“Go on then,” I replied. “Tell me what you would do if you could do anything else.”
“I don’t want to sound stupid,” James said for the second time that night.
“Nothing you say to me is going to sound stupid,” I said.
“No?” James stopped for a second. “I wanted to run a little bookshop, or a cafe, or both. Just serve coffee, recommend books I think people will love, don’t pressure anyone out of the shop. That would be perfect, you know?”
“Yeah, I know. So why not?”
“Because the rent in London is extortionate, and despite 12 hours a day 5 days a week for the last 5 years I’ve only just scraped five figures in savings.”
I almost spat my beer out. “Only 5 figures? I might have just about a hundred quid in my account on a good day!”
James gave me an inscrutable look. Pity? I couldn’t tell. I felt a bit stupid, throwing out there just how poor I was.
“Anyway, that’s me. What would you do if you could?”
Now I felt even more embarrassed, but I couldn’t hold back after James had just laid his dreams on the table. “I’m…happy here. And I know I should be more ambitious, or have big dreams to put out there, but I don’t. I wouldn’t mind a bit more money coming in, an extension on my bungalow, fix up some central heating…but I don’t want the world. I just want happiness here in Hiraeth.”
“And is that all it would take to make you happier here? An extension and central heating?” James’ eyes seemed to look into my soul.
