Is it too much to ask for a few hours of interrupted sleep?Apparently so. Tommy had stopped looking in the bathroom mirror when the dark smudges under his eyes grew darker still.
“Can’t sleep, sweetheart?”
He gave a start when Caroline’s quiet voice broke through his reflections. She stood in the doorway, dressed in her satin pajamas and robe pulled tight around her slim waist.
Tommy shook his head. “Thought this might help. Did I wake you? I’m sorry.”
She walked over to him and put her arm around his waist. Caroline’s head only reached his shoulder. “You didn’t wake me, hon.” She peered into the pan. “If I add some more milk, could you make me a cup too? Seems like we both had the same idea.”
“Sure.” Tommy crossed the room to the huge refrigerator and got out the milk while she spooned hot chocolate into another cup.
She came to stand at his side, leaning against him. “You haven’t said a word to me since Sunday. In fact, I’ve hardly seen you.” He could hear the quiet reproach in her voice.
“I’m sorry,” he said at last. “But to tell the truth, I’ve hardly spoken with Ben either. Just wasn’t in the mood, I guess.” He switched off the stove and poured hot milk onto the brownpowder, stirring as he did so. When he was done, he handed her a cup and then rinsed the saucepan under the faucet.
“Wanna talk about it now?” Caroline sat at the table, her eyes focused on him. “You never know. It might help sort out your thinking.”
Tommy joined her and sagged into the chair. “That’s just it. I don’t know what to think. This business has me turned inside out.” At least the numbness had passed, only to be replaced by brief flashes of rage when he thought about how Mike had kept hidden such a huge part of his life. When the rage had dissipated, all that remained was doubt.
Is it me? Did I bring this on myself?
He’d thought of little else the last few days.
“I can understand finding out Mike is a porn star might upset you,” Caroline began.
“Ya think?” Tommy shook his head. “Ever since I was old enough to listen, my parents spoke of the evils of the world, an’ porn was right up there at the top of the list. An’ I listened but good. You prob’ly think it’s strange to find a guy who’s nearly twenty who’s never watched a minute of porn in his entire life, up until Ben showed me… well, never mind what he showed me.”
Caroline covered his larger hand with her more dainty one. “Not strange, sugar, refreshing. There’s too little innocence out there these days. I’m just sorry you had to lose yours like that.”
“Well, it’s over now,” Tommy said with a heavy heart. His tears had passed. It had taken until that morning for him to realize what he was feeling was grief. He was mourning the loss of Mike from his life, because he couldn’t see a way back for them, not after this.
He sipped his hot chocolate, wincing when it burned his tongue. It took a moment or two to register that the quality of the silence had altered. He glanced across at Caroline, to find her staring at him with a mixture of sympathy and incredulity.
“What is it?” he asked her.
She gazed at him steadily and then sighed. “Sweetheart, you have to talk to Mike.”
Tommy had never been so still. “Why?” he whispered. “Give me one good reason why I should ever speak to him again.”
Her eyes were kind. “Because you need closure, honey.”
The tears he’d sworn were finished caught on his lashes. “Uh-uh.”
She nodded. “Trust me, darlin’, it’s better to hurt a little more at the beginning than to hurt a whole lot more at the end, with no answers.” She stroked his cheek. “Baby, you need answers. You have to talk to him.”
Tommy shivered. “Really?”
Caroline’s eyes sparkled as tears welled up. “Oh, Tommy, I know right now it’s the last thing you want to think of, but I know what I’m talking about. I’ve been around a lot longer than you. Has he tried calling you?”
Tommy nodded. “An’ texts. It got to the point where I just switched off my phone.”
Her fingers laced with his. “Then turn it back on and wait for him to call again. Only this time, answer it.” Those fingers tightened. “Besides, you can’t just switch off your feelings like that. And you do have feelings for Mike. That much is obvious.” She tilted her head. “You wanna know something? Right up until the point where I found out he’d lied to you? I liked that man.” She held up her hands. “Okay, I admit when I first saw him I was a tad worried about his age. But then I got to know him a little over lunch. More importantly, I watched the two of you.”
Tommy swallowed. “And?”
Caroline’s expression was warm. “I liked the way he was with you, the way he looked at you. This is why you need to talk to him. I don’t care how this started out between you two, whether it was just sex, whatever…. That man cares deeply for you.”
Pain surged through him, sharp and acute. “An’ yet he wasn’t truthful with me.” He knew she was right, of course. He needed to hear what Mike had to say, but the thought of seeing him, being close to him…. Whichever way he looked at it, that conversation was going to hurt plenty.
