She gave me a look. “Emma. Your phone’s halfway to witness protection—that’s some next-level boy-texted-me energy.”
“No—” I started, but she was already lunging. I met her halfway, but she was faster, smacking my hand aside. I snatched it back on instinct—then yelped when she landed a playful kick to my hip.
“Jesus, Candace! That hurt.”
“That’s your fault for fighting me,” she said, entirely unbothered.
She scanned the thread with predatory focus.
“Okay,” she announced. “We have work to do.”
Dread pooled low. “Please don’t message him.”
“Why not?”
I blanched, then blurted, “He was going to ask me on a date.”
“No, Emma,” she said, dry as dust. “He was making what normal people call conversation.”
“I—he—”
“Oh, sweetie. You’re adorable when you panic.”
Her thumbs flew.
Read: Do you have plans for tonight?
Candace-as-me: Nothing much. Just eating squid-ink pasta and watching a documentary with my best friend.
“Delete it!” I demanded, grappling for the device.
She won again. “If he’s scared off by pasta and culture, he’s not your guy.”
It lit up.
Her expression sharpened. “Oh, he replied.”
She cleared her throat like a poet taking the stage. “‘A documentary?’“ she started, her voice dropping to the lowest pitch she could manage. “‘Which one? I happen to be a connoisseur.’”
She whistled in appreciation. “Connoisseur,” she echoed, tone returning to normal. “He’s an intellectual.”
“That is a normal word,” I said flatly.
“Sure.” A knowing look. “Spoken like someone trying very hard not to be impressed.” Her expression turned feline.
Candace-as-me:Portrait of a Heist. Something about a brooding museum director and an all-female art heist.
“There.” She dropped it into my lap. “You’re now in a conversation. You’re welcome.”
I grimaced as it buzzed again.
Read: A documentary about women committing elegant fraud. Say less. What’s it streaming on?
I looked to Candace, who was making a dramatic keep-going motion with her hand.
Me: Netflix.
Read: Damn. I just unsubscribed last month after they did another three-dollar hike—capitalist greed at its finest.
