“To kill people,” I say, remembering Liam’s reaction earlier.
But now, he chokes on the bong as Dane passes it back to him. “Jeez, man. Why do you always sound like a fucking serial killer?”
I shrug. I guess they can tell something’s off about me. Most people can tell, but unlike most people, Liam and Dane don’t seem scared. They were intrigued at first, and now, they’re just loyal.
I don’t speak much, and I’m happy to go along with them most of the time, but somehow, whenever there’s a big decision to be made, they wait for me to make it.
Maybe the fact that we’re all training to be killing machines has made them realize it would be a smart thing to stick with a guy who looks like he was born to be one.
For them, Devil Camp can be hard. Spending a day droning boring platitudes is one thing. Gutting pigs and firing at mannequins that look eerily like people is another.
For me, it’s all the same though.
Boring as fuck.
I can’t wait till we get to the actual killing phase. One more year.
At the beginning of senior year, we’ll get our first contract, and Liam and Dane have been getting positively clingy with me. I guess they’re hoping I’ll do the hard work.
I accept the bong and take a long drag. Until I’m killing people who aren’t the insect, weed is as good a way as any to take the edge off my urge.
Ever since we started the same high school and I realized just how close I was to killing her, I’ve found a whole lot of ways of dealing with the desire to strangle her to death.
Pot. Beer. Speeding on my motorcycle on the highway. Hurting her.
Every time I see her stupid bug-eye glasses fog up and her large greenish eyes sparkle from some new asshole thing I’ve done to her, it makes me want to stomp out her life with my boot just a bit less.
I found that out the first time I stuck her head in the toilet.Fuck, it felt good. She started to cry, and weirdly, it kind of made me hard.
That was a first, too. I used to just hate her guts to the point of murder. But now, when I make her cry, or see her get all splotchy-red from anger, or realize how helpless she is to defend herself from me… I start to imagine sinking my cock in her while I strangle her.
I’ve never admitted the killing urge to anyone, and I will sure as fuck never confess to this new, weird version of that urge.
Still, the more I bully her, the less I want to kill her, and the more I just want to fuck her. Which I guess is less horrible than the old version, but still, both feel pretty repulsive to me.
I really fucking wish we didn’t go to the same high school. I’m already steeling myself, wondering how the fuck I’m going to keep myself from either killing her or stuffing her with my cocktomorrow. Or both.
Every day’s a fucking battle, and it drives me mad.
I tune back into the conversation just as Liam says, “So what’re you going to do to her tomorrow?”
“Huh?”
I blink as he takes the bong from me. “To the insect,” he clarifies, using the nickname onlyI’mallowed to use. “It was pretty epic when you smacked her ass in class yesterday, for telling you to go screw yourself. You should’ve done it bare-bottom, though.”
I glared at him the minute he called her insect, but he didn’t notice. Nor does he take in my murderous expression now. But Dane does, and he looks more than a little unsettled.
Realizing how my face must be looking, I hide it by way of a swig of beer and a shrug.
He’s still completely oblivious to my reaction as he continues, “But it’s all getting a bit repetitive, don’t ya think? She barely has an ass to speak of. And I feel like you’ve made fun of her in every way possible already. You should find some new ways to bully her. Get a little creative, man. You’re a Devil soldier. On top of the world!”
I don’t answer, focusing on drowning the rest of my beer. My hands are shaking, but I don’t want to fuck this up.
I have friends. I never had friends before high school, because you don’t usually make friends with people you’ve beaten to a pulp. I told myself I wouldnotbeat either Dane or Liam up. I was actually succeeding at it. For almost two full years, I have not stuck my fist into either one of their faces. So why is Liam making it so damn hard right now?
“Shut up, Liam,” hisses Dane.
“Why? You’re not in love with her, are you?” Liam snorts, taking another puff of the bong. “This isn’t the kind of thing where you’re secretly in love with the girl you’re bullying?”
