As I wash myself, I steal my resolve and decide to embrace my fear instead of fighting against it. As long as I don’t let it debilitate me—and lord knows there have been times it has left me frozen in place as horror ate away at my insides like a parasite—then I can let it fuel me. Nobody fights harder than someone who knows what it’s like to lose everything, including themself.
* * *
“Yes, Citi, that was perfect!” Amity praises as I wipe my damp forehead. Naturally, the woman hasn’t even broken a sweat.
“How do you look like a goddess while I feel on the edge of death?”
“The drama is strong with you. For a minute there, I thought you were Pippin.”
“How rude!” Nevaeh yells from the floor beside me, where she has her arm flung over her eyes. “We aren’t all machines, Amity. I can’t work in these conditions.”
“You did one push-up and drank a latte while watching everyone else.”
“Exactly. I’m second-hand exhausted. If I’d continued to take part, I’d have keeled over and died. And then how would you feel?”
“Surprised, mostly. We both know you won’t let something as trivial as death keep you from the cake I promised you later if you did this.”
“Damn you for knowing my kryptonite.”
I laugh at them before offering Nevaeh my hand to pull her up.
“Ugh. You did good, sis. Not sure if I’m in awe of you or if I kinda hate you right now.”
I grin at her once she’s on her feet. “I won’t lie, I kinda hate myself.”
She huffs out her amusement as Legs and Delphi walk over.
“That was fun,” Legs says as we all turn to look at her like she’s demented.
“You really need to get out more,” Delphi mutters before looking at me. “You looked awesome out there. Your lessons are really paying off. I’d be jealous if I didn’t feel like I was dying.”
“See? Thank you,” Nevaeh says, making Amity shake her head.
“I won’t lie, Amity is tougher than the guys. She knows she can push me in a way they’re not comfortable doing.”
“Holding back with you because they worry you’ll freak out isn’t doing you any favors. You need to be able to push past that fear. Otherwise, it will disable you.” She looks around at us. “We’ve all been there. None of us is immune to the shit this world has to offer. It’s naive to think that because we got dealt one bad hand, we won’t get dealt another. I want you all to be as prepared as possible for when, or if, that moment occurs.”
None of us is laughing now. The truth is that danger is the dark reality of our lives, especially now that we’re all entangled with an MC.
“I’m afraid all the time. I can’t remember a time in my life when I wasn’t. I don’t want my daughter to see me letting that fear hold me back, because being afraid is okay. It’s what kept me alive. Being ruled by that fear, though, isn’t. I train with Ambros because, in the beginning, I would lock up and panic. Havoc did nothing but try to help me, but I couldn’t get past my fear. Now that Ambros has been working with me, I feel confident and capable. But I know the real test is fighting the other guys. It’s hard because it’s not my skills holding me back, but my own fear. I’m fighting with guys I know deep down won’t hurt me, but I still freeze. I work on it over and over—even though it gives me nightmares—because one day I might face a man who does want to hurt me, and freezing will only make it easier for him.”
“You went through a lot, Citi,” Legs begins, but I shake my head.
“I know, and I’m not judging myself for how I react, but I can’t be a victim forever.”
They’re all quiet for a moment before Amity pulls me in for a quick one-armed hug. “Alright, ladies, I’ve spoken to Ambros and G. They’ve agreed to let me use this room to teach mostly self-defense, but some other shit too, if you’re interested. The same time and day every week, if you’re up for it. I won’t take it easy on you.” She looks at Nevaeh when she says that, who groans about needing new friends.
“I’ll be here,” I answer. The others look at me before nodding.
“Count us in too,” Delphi agrees as Legs nods.
Neveah pouts. “Fine, but don’t think I’ll forget this.”
Amity chuckles. “Never crossed my mind.”
“If we’re all done, do you want to come over to The Book Nook for something to eat?” Delphi offers.
We all agree and head to the locker rooms to shower and get changed. I throw everything into my backpack and pull my hair into a braid as I wait for the others to finish up.
